Lawyering

I guess if there is one thing I really hate about my brain, it's that although it is not patient enough to actually read the codals and the boring parts of the constitution for hours a day, it is still the mind of a would-be lawyer. Give me an argument and for some reasons, even if it's unnecessary, I would argue both sides of whatever.

And that's tiring.

There are just some things in life that we have to feel, and not just think. We base decisions based on the pros and the cons but really, what do feel? We can't discount our emotions? They say that if you remain emotionally detach from a lot of things, you get hurt less. But that's just so wrong. At the end of the day, what we feel matters.

---

State of the Heart @ 5:10am

Lightning strikes
Dawn breaks
Storm brews

But inside me

Devastation has already taken place.

FREE WRITING 101

The truth is I don't know anymore. And I'm not even thinking hard enough to actually be sure. I'm just tired. Really tired. I'm currently in the living room, wearing nothing but my purple silk robe. I just came from NGC, or as our idiot of a mayor calls it, the People's House. I jogged, for a good 15 minutes. I walked my way there and then walked my way home too. The road was unusually brighter, they've built another lamppost, kudos to the idiotic mayor.

My thoughts are kinda scattered. My emotions are, too. Most of the time I am relaxed, at peace, but there are instances when I feel like going crazy-----

---so I stood up and went out into the balcony, it's so humid these days. Everywhere around the house feels like an oven toaster.

Now I'm out, and our dogs are annoying me. I tried so hard not to care for these creatures since my favorite Porthos and Athos died. I wanted to have them thrown somewhere far actually, because they keep multiplying, and nobody in this house is really taking care of them. Since lolo died, nobody gives them a bath anymore. And I have this feeling that if I care too much for them, one of them is going to die on me again. So I'd rather not.

It's not too cool, the breeze I mean. But it's a lot better out here than anywhere inside. I can hear Gerald Anderson's voice from where I am. Lola's in her room now, she's probably tired. I'm just trying to kill time.

I feel empty, it's been over a month since I left Arvin. I've been trying to prove my strength since. Been fluttering around, testing my strength and ridding myself of my loser genes. I've probably mutated by now. I feel alright, not too broken, but not complete either.

I get by each day, I'm mastering the art of getting by, as a matter of fact. There are nights when my thoughts are so hazy I get angry, but there are also mornings when things are just so clear you feel like you wanna do everything you should do all at once. I thank the heavens for every bit of clarity.

My hair is still wet. It's been two hours since I took a shower but I tied my hair so, it's no surprise it's still wet till now.

The back of my neck hurts when I bow my head, I fear it might be caused by my cholesterol level. I should have my blood pressure checked.

Speaking of health, I got a call from the company I'm working for, they told me that my medical results are out and I have to go the clinic, I feel there's something wrong with my health. I'm guessing I'm anemic or acidic, or just plainly neurotic, haha.

Not exactly a good joke, not even a joke at all.

Wow. I'm amazed, this is totally free writing, but somehow, my brain managed to not write the one thing that really bothers me. Haha. Really amazing.

I should stop. I should turn off the TV, drink another glass of water, have another shower, work on the last few pages of my friend's book and then hit the sack earlier than usual.

I got through another day, I know I'll make it through another night.

I'm tough like that. And I have a big day tomorrow. I should go.

Our stars can never align

Like grains of sand falling from my palm
or stars vacating the evening sky one by one
we'll be losing it all till we've lost it all

So I stand upon the precipice
searching for clues I might have missed
I see nothing but tattered hearts 
and many many twisted memories

And I came this far only to find
that all these time I've been so foolish, so hopeful
and so blind

I wasted breaths believing, waiting, wishing for a sign
when I should have known from the beginning....

....That our stars can never align

ALL OF ME

Come to me as everything that you are, and nothing that you're not. Let me know you, the real you. Take down all those walls, and let me inside. 

The day I knew I'm losing her

Hers were the arms that held me
When I cry over a trifle
Or when I trip and hurt myself
She'd always been there
Nurturing, guiding, and always
Just loving

Hers were the eyes that
Saw through my flaws and lies
And the reason for each of my sighs

Hers were the heart that taught me
About courage and strength of will
To face every difficulty

Hers were the arms that held me
The eyes that saw through me
And the heart that taught me

Hers are the arms that
are now too frail
The eyes that are now too blurry
and hers are the heart that now falters

Life made a joke of her
and I watch
as she succumbs to the horrid fate of those

Who grow old.

The End of Missing Someone (My own version)

She was talking to a newbie when she saw him. It was easy to spot him. You just have to look for the the sun among the crowd of gloomy faces. And it wasn't even crowded. For a few seconds, her heart stopped, for reasons she still can't accept.

What she was telling the girl was important but, she had to finish talking to her so she got to her point as fast as she could. And when she's done talking to the girl, she smiled and threw herself at him. If it wasn't for the people inside the office, if it wasn't for people around them, she would have hugged him a bit longer. She pulled away and looked at his face, he looked different from the last time he saw him, he looked just like he did in High School. Which is strange because the night before, she had a dream that it was first day of High School once again. 

She talked to him a bit and asked him to come sit inside her office for she had to take care of a few things before they could leave, he refused so she didn't insist.

On the cab on the way to the prison, she tried to focus, she had work to do. And she also remembered that it was a friend she's with. Not some prince charming from some fairy tale book. She knows what she felt was illegal, according to her own unwritten constitution. But could she blame the guy, who probably doesn't even have a clue on the effect he has on her?

She was already on 'work mode' upon their arrival at the prison. Nerves, calm. Expression, blank. Tone, polite and business like. She went to work, she didn't think of him, even when she saw him walk past her with their office's camera in his hands. She completely ignored his presence, it was as if he wasn't even there at all. That was the only way she could do her job well.

An hour and a half later, they both emerged from the prison gates. She wanted to say goodbye to him already, scared that if she'd be around him a little longer, she might never be able to escape from his gravity.

She'd been wanting to see him, just to make sure that the person she'd been constantly sharing stories of her days with was real. And he was real. 

He gazes at her with those enchanting brown eyes and she looks away. Terrified by the idea that she might get lost in them. Yet she'd always been lost, and it was only when his eyes caught hers that, for the first time in a long time, she felt certain of where she'd wanna go. She was certain, for half a second. 

She'd always been comfortable with silence but for some reasons, she kept talking. She made an effort to keep their discussions as animated as possible, jumping from one topic to another. She really did want to know how he is, and she throws him serious questions every once in a while but she rarely allowed their conversations to go too deep. 

He looked so gentle under the gold light in the cafe. She smiled every time she makes him laugh, she likes seeing him happy. In fact, she wished for it, still wishes for it.

She stares at him as he talks, memorizing every detail of his face. She takes mental shots of him whenever she sees a really nice angle. She knows she has to, because that day was the end of her missing him. But on the next day, she'll start missing him again.