I'd rather

I'd rather come across people in suit and tie than see those who wear tattered clothes and mismatched slippers.

I'd rather have someone tell me his tummy's aching due to excessive eating than see a kid or an old man beg along the streets. 

I'd rather see somebody throw leftovers than witness somebody else pick it up to so he could eat it. 

I'd rather listen to an arrogant, rich kid than hear the sentiments of somebody who hasn't eaten for days because honestly, I'd rather feel hate than feel pity. 

A Secret Wish

20^th, June 2011

1:58am

It’s been about two hours past Fathers’ Day. And the whole 24 hours passed without me greeting him at all. Not even one tiny smiley from me to him to make him feel that somehow, my anger had subsided. I couldn’t make him think that way, it’s not me to make people believe something that is not true. Honestly, I am not at all affected à lie. I am not feeling bad at the thought that he might be very lonely right now because I didn’t even bother to greet him Happy Fathers’ Day, just like how I pretended not to remember his birthday àanother lie.

Alright. So I’m in denial. But if you were me, what would you do? Seriously, being in denial, pretending not to care and ignoring the pain keep me from losing my sanity these days. Being in denial keeps my foundation intact. Without this particular coping mechanism, I don’t know where I’d be right now. 

It’s been months since they left, months since I had my first ever emotional breakdown because I felt like my entire family hated me for hating him and his woman. Of course, they still think worse of me until now, which is also among the many reasons why I couldn’t seem to forgive him… them. 

My grandmother, that little woman who- despite all the painful words she’d spoken to me- is just so dear to me, kept on telling me to forgive him. But sometimes, I pretty much want to just yell at her, cry right in front of her and ask her what she knows about forgiveness. Ah! Most people never really grasp the fact that forgiveness is among the many things in the world that is easy to ask for but is just so difficult to give.

But well, it’s been months. Somehow, I’ve already picked up the pieces of my shattered self. It was hard, but I didn’t have a choice. I think the easiest things to get done are those that leave you with no choice at all but to have it done.

I still get mad, but the anger doesn’t anymore show. I still cry, but the tears are less than there was before.

I’ve learned to just step on the broken pieces of everything that was ruined by my anger. I stepped on those broken pieces and walked on them. It hurt but I kept walking, to where I am right now. I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I’m trying hard to leave that ugly island of resentment behind.

Thinking about the past five months of my life while listening to Tim Mcgraw’s “My Little Girl” and Bob Carlisle’s “Butterfly Kisses” over and over again, I find myself all the more sad.

It may have been five months, I’ve been through hell but the wounds are still fresh and the pain keeps on coming back.

But despite everything, I would lie to myself if I would say that I don’t miss him. Because I do, a lot.

And if there’s one thing, just one thing that I would wish for right now, that would be for me to go back to when I was five years old. Back to those days when I get to ride on his back on our way home from that resort where he used to teach little kids to swim, back to those days when we watch cartoons late at night and he makes pineapple or pomelo juice for me. Back to those times when he brings me to the mountains, makes me a swing between banana trees and watches me play in the river. Back to those times when he brings me to school and fetches me when school’s over. Back to those times when I was his little girl…. Back to those times.

I never wanted to be this mad at him, but I’ve been hurt too much.

And as much as I wanted to be back into those days, I just know that life doesn’t have a timeline where anyone could just go back to whatever time they would want to go back to. And my wish of being his little girl again, would just remain a secret…. Forever.

The Zagu Crew

It's La Salle's 100th year in the Philippines today.

Of course, it's a really big celebration. The kind that involves various beats of music, lots of food, crowds, queuing at the Discipline Office, Bands, and Fireworks display. 

I've spent most hours of the day inside the office, I can't seem to stay out of the office for more than five minutes, I could and would have wanted to if only it wasn't too hot outside. Well, blame global warming then. I did cover some events somehow but mostly, I've been facing my computer, strumming the guitar and well, eating the food given by Dean of Student Affairs Mr. Andrei Tagamolila. I don't know why but my respect for that man only grows as months pass. 

Anyway, going back.. I ate a lot during lunch and three hours after, I didn't resist the urge of buying a cup of Zagu. You know, it's this cool drink that has sago in it. And so I went to Zagu's booth just outside the Coliseum lobby and bought my own cup. As always, it's Choco Caramel, Regular. 

I watched the crew do their job and I stared at the face of the guy who took my order. He looked like he was somewhere between 20-28 years old. He had this kind of face that WON'T and  can never will launch a thousand battle ships. He had this worried expression, he checked the amount of flavoring powder a couple of times, checked the amount of ice he dropped into the blender once more before he hit the button and made sure that he gave me just two sheets of tissue and a straw. 

I'm not certain if, while reading this, some of you would find him awkward because, honestly, I did. 

I mean, was he some OC guy who couldn't even look his customer in the eye? 

I would have laughed but, then, I thought.. what if being a Zagu crew is his first job in his whole life or maybe, it's his first job after years of screwing his life. What if he wasn't able to get a college degree because he didn't have the resources to do so. What if he has a kid at home and his wife couldn't find a job because she hasn't gone to college as well. What if he's the eldest in their family and he's the only one working because his father is sick and his mom is too old to do people's laundry? What if he has a younger sister or brother who has a kidney cancer and working as a Zagu crew is the only way he could earn, and the moment he receives his salary, he only holds the money for a day and divides however small the amount is to his sister's medicine, their family's food (which by the way is not even considered as food by many of us who only eat pasta and bacon) and of course, electricity bill, if they even manage to buy one fluorescent light to light up their entire home at night. 

What if one of those WHAT IFs is true? Then I guess it was just right that I didn't laugh because that man,   that Zagu crew, has all the reasons to make sure he's doing everything about his job right. 

He gave me my cup of Zagu without making eye contact. He was smiling sheepishly at another girl who was buying Zagu as I was walking away from their booth. "Ano imo Ma'am," I heard him say.

I looked back and stared at him once more, I thought, Good luck, Nong. 

Whoever you are, whatever your story may be, I might never know. 

But I wish, somehow, Life will be good for you. 

Cluttered thoughts

So it's about a week now since the classes started. I wish I could go like, gasp! I'm a Junior! But no, I'm not. I don't feel bad though. I guess I've finally understood what they mean when they say that "life is a box of melted chocolate, it may look like shit but it's sweet."

Well, I'm slowly getting the hang of Political Science and though I'm an irregular student, I feel like I actually am learning. And you know, learning always gives us this feeling that we are growing, that we are becoming better. 

I must say, I'm loving the experience. 

I've already missed a class because I had to interview our president chancellor for an article but I am determined to keep up with everything. 

I get tired, I long for more hours of sleep but, I have goals. And I am going to work hard to attain them.

(as of the moment, the writer's mind is totally cluttered so you might notice that her thoughts don't really go together. ) :]]]