Family reunions and cluttered emotions

We had our annual family reunion last night.

Every holidays season, one of the things I always look forward to is that one night, that one meal that I get to share with the people I share the same lineage with.

I remember years back, my cousins and I were just a bunch of goofballs who'd always run around, breaking things in the process and causing our aunts and grandmothers to go ballistic which would often lead to an unplanned inventory of paintings, porcelain jars, and, well, candle sticks. Haha.

But seriously, I love reunions. I love being surrounded by aunts and uncles who'd always make me feel like a five year old when they're talking to me. I'm 21 years old, I'm an editor in the school publication, I hold authority somewhere, but whenever they speak to me, I feel like a kid, I'm not sure why, though.

This is the first family reunion that lolo's not with us. It sort of felt sad but no one dared mention him, I don't want to think everyone has forgotten about him but, maybe, everyone's trying to evade the sadness, too. It's gonna be New year, after all.

So there were lots of food, each family brought something to share to everyone else. It was quite a dinner. With the combined powers of my tita Emee, tita Madeline, and the family's caterer and chef, highly meticulous tita Marichu, we had such superb dinner, really. Too bad I was busy taking paparazzi shots of everyone I forgot to really savor my dinner.

Anyway, the oldies ended up enjoying two bottles of wine and a case of beer, all to themselves. Just when they were having a great time kissing the cold lips of San Mig Lights' bottles, us youngsters, retreated to my cousin Micah's room.

My genius of a cousin, Luke, introduced this game, I forgot what he called it, and we had fun. Haha. Imagine, the app would provide a name and you just have to guess if it's a gay bar or a steak house.

But then, we had our photo shoots, and each family had to pose for a couple of shots. And that's where I felt lost. Truth is, I suddenly felt like running away, scared that they might also wonder who I should pose with. I mean, shouldn't a family be composed of a mom, a dad, and children? But, because I was feeling sick, I stayed rooted on the floor where I stood. Just wishing they won't notice my change of mood. And then I realized that the only way to evade that thing I dreaded was if I take the camera and do the shots. And that's what I did. Of course, the plan's a huge success, not one of them noticed. But in my heart, the question stayed written, like words carved on stone.

But I kept going, reluctant to let negative vibes take over the night. I tried to enjoy the family shots, I thought, that in group shots, it won't be too obvious that I was the only one among us cousins who didn't have a parent there. And so, I went home cool, as ever. Or at least I'd like to think so. Below are some shots taken during the reunion.

I plan to have some of them printed, because, my ancestors are really not growing any younger, and I just want them to be part of who I am, for as long as they possibly can.

This is not all of us, just yet, some cousins were not around. 

With our lola Lilia and my first cousins Tine Tine, Stephanie, and  Cyril. 

With our grooviest lola Mel.

My favorite male cousin Luke, Lola, and Me. :)

I wonder

I wonder.

I wonder how it'd feel like, to sit with you and listen as you tell me how bad your day went. I wonder, how it'd feel like, to hug you when you're feeling blue or hold your hand when you're nervous about something.

Really, I wonder.

I wonder how it'd be, if there was you.... and me.

Your Subtle Goodbye

I wasn't even so sure yet
of WHAT it is or was
and then there you were
shooting me riddles that
made me keep saying WHY
again and again.

I wasn't even so sure yet
of what it is or was and why
and there you were already
saying GOODBYE.

Di mabatunan na post on FB

I remember you once told me, you wish for me to someday see the world with you. You probably said it just for the heck of it but, I wish you knew, that at every moment I've spent with you, I've seen the world in a better view.

TTD

Things to do:

1.) Get a degree
2.) Touch lives
3.) Find at least one friend who'd die for you and whom you'd also die for
4.) Fall in love and stay in love till the next 50 years
5.) Acquire courage
6.) Create a ripple of change
7.) Teach what you've learned
8.) Die happy

I know

I know. And I wish you also knew, that I am in love with you.

To Lolo

Good afternoon. Hi, everybody.

Like most of you, I’m also in a hurry to get this over and done with. I’d very much like to eat, yeah.

But before we’re done, I’d like to share something about this man we’re going to say our painful goodbyes to.

For one, he’s my grandfather. Yes.

To say that lolo was a great man is an understatement.

For someone who had to work his way through a lot of things, he was more than great.

But I guess it would be worthless to talk to you about his struggles in life, after all, most of them he went through when I wasn’t even born yet.

So I guess I’ll tell you, how I’ve known him as husband to my lola, and as my grandfather.

I know for a fact that we live in an era where infidelity is considered as ‘normal’, in a world where selfish home wreckers walk freely and no one dare throw stones at them. In a world like that, in an era like this, lolo did stand out.

He was a perfect example of a faithful husband, and a really good provider. Had he lived five more days, we could have celebrated his and lola’s 50^th golden anniversary. But unfortunately, he passed on.

I don’t know if this would interest you but, he was actually the one who brought my mom to the hospital on the eve of my birthday, mama even told me once that he stood as 'father' when I was born. He’s done so much for my mom, and for me. But I never really got to thank him. So in behalf of my mother, I’d like to say, ‘Thanks, Lo.’

In the last five years of my life, I’ve seen lolo as someone who’s tough and stern. To me, he was the epitome of a ‘father’, which was a good thing because I didn’t grow up with one.

He’s not exactly the loving kind, but I know he did love us all.

About a month before he died, I was frequenting my groupmate’s house near La Salle, we were working on our thesis there. And one night, I had to go out of the house around midnight. He and lola were already in their room, and though, I could have easily just gotten out of the house and wait for a taxi there alone, I decided to wake lolo and asked him to accompany me outside, I told him I was scared.

The truth is, I was expecting a no. I was expecting lolo to get angry at me instead, especially that it was really late. But what he did surprised me, in a good way. Instead of the expected scolding, he picked up his shorts, wore his hat, took his flashlight out and went out with me into the streets.

It took about 15 minutes before an empty taxi finally passed us by. Within that 15 minutes, I tried to talk to him. I told him why me and my group mates had to work at night, I told him that I was really tired, and that, if I’d have it my way, I won’t go either. He just stood there, listening, but with the movement of the crease on his forehead and with the look on his face, I knew he was interested in what I was saying. I felt the desire to talk to him some more, I felt the desire to tell him what wonderful plans I have for him and lola. But, I don’t know why I didn’t. When the taxi finally came, I said goodbye to him, I told him I’ll be back in the morning. I could have kissed and hugged him but, I knew it would surprise him; I don’t do that very often. So as I hopped inside the cab, I watched lolo walk back to the house. And silently, I thanked God I still had lolo. In a way, I felt safe, protected.

A few years back, I tried working in a call center while I was in my freshman year in college. I lasted for about five months. And every night, on my way to work, lolo would walk me to where the tricycles were and one time, a car passed us by and yelled nasty stuff at us, just for the heck of it. I’d usually let those things pass but, Lolo, who was more than 70 years old at that time, yelled back and scolded the young men. That night, I realized that no matter what happens, lolo would never let anyone treat us badly, at least not without retaliation.

It’s funny that I remember all these things now.

You see, when he died, among the first few things that I asked myself was if he loved  and cared for me, still, because there was a time in my life when lolo and I really got on different sides. I guess he hated it when I got so so so so angry at the world.

I never really got why he couldn’t understand my anger, but now I know why.

I was fluent in Anger, Lolo was fluent in love, and that’s why, for a while, we really didn’t understand each other.

In his last few weeks, I remember him asking me if I already had dinner every time I’d arrive home at night. I did appreciate it, especially coming from lolo.

Somehow, I’ve realized that maybe I shouldn’t be asking as to whether he loved and cared for me still, perhaps I should be asking if he even knew I love him, too.

Because I really do.

I remember one time, lolo was looking for the map which I used in my social science class in high school, I asked him why he’s looking for it, and his answer reverberated in my thoughts for quite some time. He said that he wants to study it, because even when he’s already old, he still wants to learn new things.

I fell silent at that time, but had I known then what I know now, I would have asked him to learn how to survive cardiac arrest. That way, he’d still be with us now.

So we lost a leader in the family. But wherever he is, whoever he’s with, just gained another soul who won’t let health complications stop him from living life to the fullest. And wherever Lolo may be, I hope he’s happy.

Indeed, to say that lolo was great is truly an understatement, because more than just a great man, he was a good man.

And though it may take a while before we’ll see each other again, let us all comfort ourselves with the idea that, this isn’t goodbye, but only, so long…

Morning shit

9:02am, Monday.


I've been up early. Had to go to the bath a few minutes before five in the morning and I never went back to sleep until now. So much for trying to reset my bodyclock.

It's my first day of the second semester today. I've been going to school since last week but I never got to attend my classes. Part of me is not ready, part of me is just too damn tired to actually listen to lectures, let alone explain to my teachers why I haven't been to school.

Most of the time, I feel like I actually pass out in the middle of my waking hours, it's as though, I'm awake the whole time but I'm actually not. I don't know, and I don't know how to know anymore.

A few moments ago, I was trying to iron my uniform and I struggled to get rid of the wrinkles on my uniform and again, I remembered my old man. I remember how ironing my clothes and everyone's clothes was his forte. My uniform would always look its best whenever he irons it, and I always tell people it was my lolo who ironed it.

It's funny that I've been wishing for him to appear in my dreams but, when he did last night, I actually ran away. And I'm pissed with myself for doing so. I just really wanna say goodbye for the last time. I feel really bad for not being the lovable granddaughter that I could have been. I hate myself for being too angry I drifted away from him.

And seriously, if there's any way at all that I could bring him back, I would. I really would.

But there's nothing that I can do to do that. Nothing at all. So I better stop this right here and just get on with my life. I have a 10:30am class, after all.

From Lessons Learned in Life

So I guess I'll just let go of you at every chance I get to be with you, because who knows, someday you might just gravitate back to me. And if that day comes, then I'll know you really are meant to be in my life, and I'll never let you go again. 

From someone else's post

I found this on a friend's wall. It made sense. It's like it was dug out of the author's mind just so someone could post it on Facebook and appeal to my emotions. 

The day the world had spun faster

I remember waking up at 4:20pm from an afternoon nap last Saturday.

I remembered taking a 15minute power nap on a couch in that baranggay hall where we stayed at before getting on a pumpboat to Lakawon. I also remember dozing off on the bus.

But I was only able to sleep 'real' sleep after about 40 hours, that was around seven or eight o'clock this morning.

I woke up at the sound of my phone ringing, I thought I just had a nightmare. When I picked up however, I heard a relative's voice, asking about my nightmare. And it dawned on me that it wasn't a nightmare after all, the world did spin faster, but I must have been left out as it spun around.

I can't feel myself right now.

Two questions

Typhoon Yolanda finally left the Country.

Two nights ago, I tried to will myself to sleep as she was ravaging parts of Eastern Visayas, but then I was confronted by two questions. 

And now I could only sigh as I remember them, sigh as I remember how, despite the breadth of my imagination, I left them unanswered. 

But tonight, as I will myself to sleep again, a feat which I find so close to impossible every night, they come knocking on the doors of my thoughts once again. Tired of lurking in the shadows at the back of my mind, they knock, demanding an answer. 

"Had it been the end of the world that night, what would have been the last thing you felt? What would be the last truth you'd recognize in your head, is it something your heart wouldn't deny?"

Those two questions are right outside the doors of my thoughts tonight, but I'm an inhospitable host.... I shall let them hang around for a while longer. 

Your voice in my head

It's a quarter before five in the morning and I'm still awake.

The night is still, not a sound comes from outside. No barking of the dogs, no vehicles passing by... I can't hear even the rustle of the tree leaves. It's like the calm before the storm (and it really is, as a matter of fact, Typhoon Yolanda is bound to strike by morning today).

But in my head, I hear your voice, it's like you're right here with me, talking to me.

I love it and yet I don't like it.

Remember me when it's crescent moon

It's crescent moon tonight, it's during nights like this that I feel like lying on a mountain top somewhere and just watch the evening sky.

I accompanied a friend to an office late this afternoon and when we went out, it was already dark. And just as I looked up into the sky, this was how the moon looked like..

Of course I've only taken this photo from the internet but, how many moons does the earth have anyway? 

This is the closest to how it looked like and just like always, I fell in love with it. 

And in the few seconds that I've contented myself gazing at it, I thought... I wished... that you remember me, when it's crescent moon. 

It took a while

It took a while before she finally admitted it to herself.
It took her
                 a
                    w
                       h
                          i
                            l
                              e

to face the fact that she's in love with the guy who told her about the stars.

Calming the tempest

'T was as sudden as rain
after a long endured drought
it caught me off-guard,

I felt my world spin faster
and I knew I was in for
a total disaster,

Now there's this tempest in my head
and should I fail to calm it
it will be wrecking my sanity

tonight.

The stars remember

I looked out into the night sky and thought to myself, the stars must have forgotten us. I hugged myself, closed my eyes and felt the memory come back to me. When I opened my eyes, I knew, they haven't forgotten us yet.

They remember, and so do I.

June 15, 2005

June 15, 2005

I was disappointed I didn't make it to best class. Lola's friends in the Guidance office said it's because I had a really low score in the math parts of the entrance test.

So, on the first day of the class, I decided to pick a chair along the second row and sit there. I waited for my first class. Our class adviser went in for a while, discussed a couple of things and then went out again. I didn't know what we were waiting for and I was a bit sleepy. I've always been sleepy back then. I stared outside and gazed at the sky. I couldn't remember what I was thinking about back then but, I remember that a few moments later, you walked in. You walked into our classroom along with your partner, you almost tripped when she paused along your way, probably hesitant to get into a class full of curious eyes. You nudged her and kept her walking, teasing her a bit. You held something in your hands but I can't remember what it was and, sadly, I can't remember some of the details either. But I know for a fact that, by walking into that class, you also walked into my life. I could never forget you from then on.

You were wearing your school uniform, your khaki pants a couple of shades lighter than those of my male classmates. You looked so fair you kind of dazzled my eyes. I didn't know your name, but I felt like I already knew you.

I'm old enough not to believe in love at first sight these days, it's just too banal for my taste, but each time I remember June 15, 2005, I couldn't help but wonder what it was that had drawn me to you.

And I keep asking myself, how can it be that, years later, the feeling would just come back to me, as though it was never even gone in the first place?

Being poetic at Solomon Hall

Why is it, heaven

That at every drop of hope you send

You let despair rain on me

You cast me a glimmer of your light

And yet how do I see it

When your darkness have stolen my sight?

Frowning at the computer

Perhaps the only way to teach someone to treat you better is by leaving them and letting them realize on their own how much they need you back. That way, they'll work hard to win you back, and if ever you'd give them another chance (since you only really just wanted teach them a lesson anyway), they'll be careful not to lose you again.

Gawd. This is the most frustrating thing ever. It's my Civil Service exam tomorrow and basically, the only preparations I've made include staying awake for 20 hours to finish our thesis, going home after six in the morning, sleeping for five hours, waking up to eat lunch, eating lunch like a man, scanning through some pages of my reviewer, sleeping again, and lastly, waking up to face disappointments. 

I think with all those things, I'd definitely pass the exam. 

When will I ever learn? I've tried getting away from this crap for several times, but when will I ever mean it when I say, I'M DONE!?

Hang in there for a while

I can't sleep.

My laptop's battery meter shows that I only have 17 percent of my battery remaining, which is about 26 minutes of battery life left. I don't know if I could finish this that quick but, anyway, this is not exactly a novel so perhaps, yeah, I can.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I had a cup of coffee but it was decaf so I don't think I should have trouble sleeping with less than a pint of decaffeinated Christmas in a cup. I can't stop the flow of thoughts into my head. I feel like a ship sinking due to the heavy barrels of thoughts that are weighing me down. They flow into my system in such strong currents I could barely understand any of them.

I can deny all I want but I know, deep down, there's that little ache I've been trying to ignore for quite a while. I tell myself to just keep moving, keep going because I don't want to stop for anyone at all but, somehow, a part of me would want to just take a break, catch my breath and really figure out what I really want.

I know what's at stake. I do know what's at stake, which is why it is a lot harder and more painful to decide.

I just console myself with the idea that I am not really holding on to anything after all, so it shouldn't hurt that much.

But hell, truth is, it actually does.

And here's the thing, I'm letting my heart break just to protect someone else's heart from breaking apart.

Does that even sound sane?

____hang in there for a while.

Dear You

Dear You who invades my dreams every once in a while,


Hi. How's Poseidon, is he treating you well? I hope so. The truth is, I'm glad to have you back in my life. I thought I'll never see you again when you vacated that small space in my life you held years ago. But I guess I'm wrong. It's nice to be with you again. I like talking to you. I don't know if it's just me but we really do connect in ways that I can't explain. Your emotions may not exactly be as unpredictable as mine but, somehow, we understood each other. You just know what I'm talking about most of the time and it fascinates me that you just get me without me elaborating.

I like how we've gotten closer since the last time we saw each other again. But it's weird though, it's weird that I'm scared to know you, scared to get even more close to you. I like being around you but it seems that getting even more close to you would lead me to another emotional disaster. And I just don't have time for the pain or any other complicated things right now.

Being near you,  it's like getting close to the fire on a cold, rainy night. I like being with you because I get to have a bit of the sunshine that you radiate from your soul. I've always been cautious not to get too close, though, for I fear I might be pulled by your gravity and I won't anymore be in control, and I like being in control.

But it seems that if I go on, I'd lose control pretty soon. I've built walls around me but it's surprising how you could just blow them off effortlessly.

So, dear you, who invades my dreams once in a while, please, don't let me lose control. I just can't lose control.

Goodbye my little Musketeer

Porthos is still not his usual lively, almost annoying self but, he can now walk and eat what you put in his bowl. He looks at me with contempt each time I try to force his medicine into his mouth but, he's getting better and that's all we want. However his brother, Athos, our mighty black puppy who barks like a grown dog and scares everyone with his growl, died just today. It's something that we really didn't see coming. I know he's just a dog but I feel like I lost quite a big part of me and I don't even know why. So, it's one musketeer down, and it's my favorite musketeer down. They say that animals don't have souls but just in case they're wrong and little Athos is now in Heaven, I hope they give him lots of bones and lots of milk.       

Ask a WHY instead

I asked how
And they answered
Still
I asked again
How?

Then an old man walked towards me
His face painted with reproach

My dear, says he
Perhaps you should ask WHY instead
And then I'm sure
You will take on any HOWs

I don't wanna conquer the world anymore

The truth is, I'm scared.

One second I can see myself conquer the world but the next moment, I'm back inside my shell, where I feel safe.

During a career forum I attended a week ago, a diplomat told us how awesome he thinks his life is and how lucky he is for being able to dine with royalties, shake  hands with prime ministers and presidents, and travel wherever.

Yeah, he's quite full of himself but you know what I hate? It's that I love his life, and I love the idea of living the same life he lives but I don't think I got what it takes.

Yes, some friends and colleagues told me I got PR skills, that I am a people person, I don't know what made them say that, after all I just talk when I feel the need to. I wonder if they've ever seen me stammer and embarrass myself or forget what to say and look funny in front of a crowd.

Worse is, I don't think I could hide my disgust at those seemingly upright men who are fond of wearing coats and ties and pretend to be important. I don't think I could manage to shake hands with a president who had just waged war against a helpless nation nor lie about something to make someone else look good. I don't think I can do that, so I guess, no matter how ideal that diplomat's life sounded to me and to many other ambitious bozos I was sitting with in that auditorium last week, I just can't be like him.

Well, I could try if I want to, but I don't even want to. Coz you know what I really want right now?

I wanna graduate, go to Canada and perhaps work as waitress or a convenience store cashier, get a Master's degree, go back home, put up a poultry house, work for a newspaper, teach somewhere, buy a house, get married, and take care of a dog while writing a book.

That's the life I want, because I'm so tired of trying so hard to change the world. I'm tired of trying to be heard, I'm tired of trying to make things better for someone else. I wanna stop chasing the elusive.

I just want to sit around, have a routine and stick to it.

I don't wanna conquer the world anymore.

That memory I couldn't get rid of

Beneath the hazy moon, between constellations, along that shore. That's how I'll always remember you.

Her Wish

She stared intently at the vast sky.

The sound of the waves playfully sliding and hopping on the shore muffled the voices of their companions who were seated on the sand a few meters away.

She tried her best to look for it and she did see it, though a little blurry.

She squeezed her eyes several times, trying to make out the figure that the stars were forming.

"So this is the Southern cross", she thought to herself.

He told her she can make a wish.

She believes that the words 'wish' and 'someday' are synonyms for the word 'never' but, she took her chances anyway.

So on that starry night, underneath the evening sky, she made a wish.

She wished to see him truly happy, again.

Awat na

Awat na.

Tama na.

Di mo na kayanon.

Masakitan ka gid.

Untat na nga daan samtang puwede pa.

Because I remembered Thorin Oakenshield's story

It's a familiar feeling, fighting a losing battle. You already know how it'd end, but you just can't drop your sword. You keep fighting, hoping that fate might still go on your side. 

The plan for today.

Sunset at Roxas Boulevard.

Last Mass at the Manila Cathedral. 

A stroll at Fort Santiago (after about two years).

Balut.

Dinner by myself. 

Good music.

People watch.

Amuse myself.

....this will be Friday enough. :)

I should buy another pair of sunglasses

Your eyes engross me

The way my favorite book

Never fails to do

Seven years ago

Moon vacates the sky

Polaris guides someone else

Until Moon comes back