It was two quarters before seven, I remember hearing the sound of my alarm, the sound I loathe the most ever since I started school. I would have gone back to sleep if only my not so brilliant mind didn't work too fast the very second I opened my eyes. I don't know, all of a sudden, there were lots of things in my mind.
I thought about the exams I have to take, the script I have to finish, the articles I'm supposed to work on. Questions like, "Do I want a cold or warm milk?", "Would the water be warm enough for me not to chill while taking a bath?", "Would it rain today?" and a lot more things that, oddly enough, I rarely think about had just crossed my thoughts.
Surprisingly, I had noticed, though a little later, that I have already been thinking deeply about how my life has been in the last five years.
My life has been pretty messed up.
If I should be honest, I think I have already realized this fact long ago. The problem was, I was just too weak to even admit it to myself. I was in denial. I have always been the kind who took pride at being independent, strong, invulnerable, and positive.
But this morning, I thought of how pretentious and dishonest I'd be should I even make myself believe that everything in my life and in myself is okay. They're terribly NOT okay.
I haven't been talking much to anyone at home for about a month now. Just a few weeks ago, I wasn't attending my classes. I haven't been in church for a couple of Sundays. I have been ignoring everyone and even everything. I have been undeniably rebellious. Silent, and yet rebellious. (You shouldn't really be fooled by my often boisterous laugh.)
I was already taking shower, the water was quite warm but the morning breeze goes in through the small holes of our bathroom window so despite the warm water, I felt cold. No matter how much my teeth would chatter however, my thoughts about my really disappointing life are like questions of a 'DON'T LEAVE ANY BLANKS' exam paper. Unless I answer everything, I can't go out. For a moment, I wondered whether it was the water from the shower or my tears that had wet my face.
I knew I had to do something about everything. But really, I thought, "HOW?"
I tried to think about Elpijay, how I consider him as the only thing that's right in my life. I think about the Cube, how I would want to be there for him. I think about the publication, how the pressure inside the office makes me remember that I still have purpose in this world. I think about those people who really care for me, I think about Bujek and Buyong, how much younger I get when I am with them. I think about my BEST friends, how hard I could laugh when we hang around. I think about my possibilities, my strengths. I think about everything I could be and I can't help but feel bad.
How could I let myself be drowned in this pool of I-really-don't-know-what, laze around and pretend things are fine when they really are NOT?
I have been so angry and though I really don't think that I'd ever be able to stop myself from getting angry, I just want to admit that right now, I really am tired of it.
And as I let water cool my head and watch it fearlessly slide down the tiny dark holes that would- I think- lead them back to where they come from.. I have realized that like the water, I should also be brave enough to slide down some dark holes so I could go back to where I've been, to where I should be.
Think about this, the water may flow through canals, rivers, ponds, falls, may be drank by a human, evaporate, condense and then someday, after such a long cycle, would go back to the ocean.
Sigh.
I honestly find this blog lousy. What with the comparison of water to myself? Eeew..
But really, if the water goes back to the ocean, I just wonder where I'd soon be. Or perhaps, I should be asking this instead:
Where SHOULD I soon be?
