He knows how I think, how I feel about things. And as I was watching him utter those words I would never even have the courage to say, tears were fighting their way out of my eyes. He is a great man, greater than many others I've known and yet, his greatness never became a reason for him to look down on lost souls like me. And as I stared at him as he goes on speaking, asking questions which he probably meant to ask to help me understand my options better, I was silently telling myself that someday, I'm going to make him proud of me.
To my Tatay Bok, you have no idea how much you're helping me. I feel like I'm a total nobody and yet you go on making me feel better when I don't even know how I'd be able to get up from where I am. In fact, I don't even know if I could still get up at all. But then again, thank you for believing in me, Dad.. I hope someday I make you proud.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
From Facebook
This was the first status I posted in Facebook today. Inspired by my irritation towards our beloved LEADER.
"The best thing about being a leader is not the thought that you get to give orders, but rather, the thought that you are not supposed to fail because someone else trusts you enough to have placed you exactly on the spot where you are: ABOVE THEM."
Pliers and Pies
Just this morning, I clipped my right forefinger with the pliers as I was trying to fix the faucet. One may think that I could have asked someone else to fix it for me but then, if you are living with a 75 year old grandmother and a 71 year old grandfather, you would surely understand why I had to do it myself.
So there I was in the bathroom wrapped in my heavy dull orange towel, trying to play as the home plumber when suddenly, I clipped my finger. You could imagine my face as I watched the pinkish mark that the pliers left on my skin. Surprisingly, I was calm. I tried to wash my hurt finger with water and forgot about the faucet. Never mind that it wasn't fixed, I am not going to risk another finger being clipped.
When I arrived in school, there wasn't much to do since I didn't have any exams today. I asked the other zombies if they would want to have ice cream to cool ourselves (by the way, the aircon unit in the office is on a fritz so just imagine how hot it is in the office right now..).
And so we went to the foodcourt to get some icecream and were disappointed when we found out that they don't have any icecream stock today. Boohoo!
Of course, being us, we went out of the school up to the Lasalle Avenue branch of Jollibee just to grab the much craved for icecream! However, since I was not able to have lunch yet, I thought of buying some pies. And though I am not really stupid, I BRAVELY took one, extremely hot pie, brought it to my mouth, bit it and immediately spat it out. IT WAS TOO HOT!
Goodness gracious! You could just imagine what those people from the other table thought about me. Perhaps they were thinking, "what a clutz".
I would probably forgive myself if I only did it once but, I did it twice.. I spat the thing out again the second time I took a bite.
Oh Coleen. When will you ever learn that you shouldn't swallow something hot?
But anyway.. So I experienced one unfortunate event in the morning and another one in the afternoon.. Will there be another one this evening?
Oh crap.. Should go home and lock myself in my room perhaps.
So there I was in the bathroom wrapped in my heavy dull orange towel, trying to play as the home plumber when suddenly, I clipped my finger. You could imagine my face as I watched the pinkish mark that the pliers left on my skin. Surprisingly, I was calm. I tried to wash my hurt finger with water and forgot about the faucet. Never mind that it wasn't fixed, I am not going to risk another finger being clipped.
When I arrived in school, there wasn't much to do since I didn't have any exams today. I asked the other zombies if they would want to have ice cream to cool ourselves (by the way, the aircon unit in the office is on a fritz so just imagine how hot it is in the office right now..).
And so we went to the foodcourt to get some icecream and were disappointed when we found out that they don't have any icecream stock today. Boohoo!
Of course, being us, we went out of the school up to the Lasalle Avenue branch of Jollibee just to grab the much craved for icecream! However, since I was not able to have lunch yet, I thought of buying some pies. And though I am not really stupid, I BRAVELY took one, extremely hot pie, brought it to my mouth, bit it and immediately spat it out. IT WAS TOO HOT!
Goodness gracious! You could just imagine what those people from the other table thought about me. Perhaps they were thinking, "what a clutz".
I would probably forgive myself if I only did it once but, I did it twice.. I spat the thing out again the second time I took a bite.
Oh Coleen. When will you ever learn that you shouldn't swallow something hot?
But anyway.. So I experienced one unfortunate event in the morning and another one in the afternoon.. Will there be another one this evening?
Oh crap.. Should go home and lock myself in my room perhaps.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Transparent
"You look fragile."
Someone close to me told me that a few moments ago. And I think she's right. I am fragile, and I might break just any time.
I guess I am pretty much transparent after all. Like a clear, highly breakable glass.. People could see through me.
Someone close to me told me that a few moments ago. And I think she's right. I am fragile, and I might break just any time.
I guess I am pretty much transparent after all. Like a clear, highly breakable glass.. People could see through me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
THE GOAL
I fear the unknown. I am hoping for a better tomorrow but I'm not working hard for it. I hate myself for being so confused, so angry.. so lost. I am tired of the way life goes for me. I am tired of acting like as if I am so damn busy when the truth is, I am only busy because I don't set goals. I always procrastinate. I always act only when the bomb is on the trigger. I am not moving forward. I just stay circling the same spot I've been on for so long.
And I am tired of it.
I'd like things to change. I WANT some change.
Somehow, it also scares me because the change that I'm talking about is for me to stop feeling like I'm lost. And the only way for me to do that is to find myself. My OLD self.
I am 18. Young.. but I won't forever be.
So I have to do something about my life right now.
And at the moment, I only have one goal: FIND MYSELF.
And I am tired of it.
I'd like things to change. I WANT some change.
Somehow, it also scares me because the change that I'm talking about is for me to stop feeling like I'm lost. And the only way for me to do that is to find myself. My OLD self.
I am 18. Young.. but I won't forever be.
So I have to do something about my life right now.
And at the moment, I only have one goal: FIND MYSELF.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Forgotten emotion
I haven't been in school today.. Haven't been in any of my class. The latter won't sound unusual since that's how I am in most days. IN SCHOOL but NOT IN CLASS.
So I spent the whole day listening to the songs I've saved in my computer, watching the seventh part of the Harry Potter series over and over again, talking to Elpijay, thinking, thinking and thinking.
I was planning to go to school by around the 5th hour of the afternoon but then again, I decided to just wash my uniform and some of my other dirty clothes and when I was done, the thought of going to the ZOMBIE LAND have already been washed out of my mind.
I was thinking that today would just be one of those days where I stayed home and do nothing. Like as if forgetting that I am supposed to be a busy person. Then I got a text message from a classmate whom I've once been very closed to. It won't have been significant had I not been curious as to why someone like her sent me a message where my name is typed followed by a sad face icon. Of course, being me, I sent her a response asking what the sad face icon was all about?
Her answer didn't really surprise me. She was just asking if it was true that I would be shifting to another course. And so I did tell her the truth. That I would really be leaving MassComm. I don' really like it when people would fuss over my life and the decisions I make but I just felt the need to tell her something. And despite myself, as I re-read the replies I've sent her right now, I have somehow gotten the feeling that somewhere inside me resides a girl who is strong enough to handle whatever this is that she's going through. A girl who, despite being lost, would still manage to find herself again.
Somehow, I am wishing that I could also tell myself the same things that I tell those people who try to tell me how great I am and that I should be staying right in this place where I've been trying to belong to for so long. But then, if I could tell some people that I am okay and that everything else is happening for a reason and make them believe in it, I just know for a fact that I cannot because in many ways, I also don't know if there is still a reason left for those people who look up to me to believe in me the way they do.
At some point in life, we really just have to take a turn and go the other way.
That's what I told her, I am not really sure if that girl texted me because she was really sad after hearing that I'll be shifting to another course or perhaps she only wanted to find out if what she heard is true.
Whatever is her reason, there's just one thing that I have somehow learned in our conversation. Maybe I could get through this. Maybe despite me being so weak right now, I'd soon be able to come out of this.
So to that friend, THANKS! :]
(This is a delayed post)
So I spent the whole day listening to the songs I've saved in my computer, watching the seventh part of the Harry Potter series over and over again, talking to Elpijay, thinking, thinking and thinking.
I was planning to go to school by around the 5th hour of the afternoon but then again, I decided to just wash my uniform and some of my other dirty clothes and when I was done, the thought of going to the ZOMBIE LAND have already been washed out of my mind.
I was thinking that today would just be one of those days where I stayed home and do nothing. Like as if forgetting that I am supposed to be a busy person. Then I got a text message from a classmate whom I've once been very closed to. It won't have been significant had I not been curious as to why someone like her sent me a message where my name is typed followed by a sad face icon. Of course, being me, I sent her a response asking what the sad face icon was all about?
Her answer didn't really surprise me. She was just asking if it was true that I would be shifting to another course. And so I did tell her the truth. That I would really be leaving MassComm. I don' really like it when people would fuss over my life and the decisions I make but I just felt the need to tell her something. And despite myself, as I re-read the replies I've sent her right now, I have somehow gotten the feeling that somewhere inside me resides a girl who is strong enough to handle whatever this is that she's going through. A girl who, despite being lost, would still manage to find herself again.
Somehow, I am wishing that I could also tell myself the same things that I tell those people who try to tell me how great I am and that I should be staying right in this place where I've been trying to belong to for so long. But then, if I could tell some people that I am okay and that everything else is happening for a reason and make them believe in it, I just know for a fact that I cannot because in many ways, I also don't know if there is still a reason left for those people who look up to me to believe in me the way they do.
At some point in life, we really just have to take a turn and go the other way.
That's what I told her, I am not really sure if that girl texted me because she was really sad after hearing that I'll be shifting to another course or perhaps she only wanted to find out if what she heard is true.
Whatever is her reason, there's just one thing that I have somehow learned in our conversation. Maybe I could get through this. Maybe despite me being so weak right now, I'd soon be able to come out of this.
So to that friend, THANKS! :]
(This is a delayed post)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Extinguished
I am an extinguished fire.
I have always been the type whom people would assume to be someone strong and capable. For so long, I thought of myself that way too. I thought that every difficulty that people go through is just like a hump on the road or an obstacle in a racing field, just give it some time and you'll get through it. But with the way things go for me right now, it's like as if all those dreams that I've spent so much time and energy dreaming about are nothing but faded memories of a dreamer who's finally awake and aware that some things are just too far from becoming possible.
I've always been positive, no matter what situation I get myself into, I've always managed to come out of it stronger and better than ever. But this, whatever this is, is totally different. At times I'm hoping it's just a phase, but most of the time, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and even if this is just a phase, I feel like it's a phase I will never be able to surpass.
They say the world is like a spinning wheel and that whether you are at the bottom or the top, you won't be there forever. I however, feel like I am down and that I am bound to stay here forever. Unmoving, frozen at the bottom.
An extinguished fire, yes that would be me.
I used to withstand the powerful winds of life, I used to manage to keep the fire burning. This time, albeit, I have been put out and I don't think I'd ever be able to rekindle the fire that had once fueled me to go on despite the winds of life that's been dragging me back.
I have always been the type whom people would assume to be someone strong and capable. For so long, I thought of myself that way too. I thought that every difficulty that people go through is just like a hump on the road or an obstacle in a racing field, just give it some time and you'll get through it. But with the way things go for me right now, it's like as if all those dreams that I've spent so much time and energy dreaming about are nothing but faded memories of a dreamer who's finally awake and aware that some things are just too far from becoming possible.
I've always been positive, no matter what situation I get myself into, I've always managed to come out of it stronger and better than ever. But this, whatever this is, is totally different. At times I'm hoping it's just a phase, but most of the time, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and even if this is just a phase, I feel like it's a phase I will never be able to surpass.
They say the world is like a spinning wheel and that whether you are at the bottom or the top, you won't be there forever. I however, feel like I am down and that I am bound to stay here forever. Unmoving, frozen at the bottom.
An extinguished fire, yes that would be me.
I used to withstand the powerful winds of life, I used to manage to keep the fire burning. This time, albeit, I have been put out and I don't think I'd ever be able to rekindle the fire that had once fueled me to go on despite the winds of life that's been dragging me back.
Monday, March 14, 2011
I Just Have To Cross
I've been worrying about our final swimming practicum for weeks now. For someone like me who can't really swim that well, 50 meters freestyle is torture!
So I spent a couple of afternoons going to Sta. Fe and practicing a bit just to make myself comfortable with water. And earlier today, I really thought that all those afternoons of swimming practices, those evening jogs I did to have better endurance, will go to nothing.
The moment I stepped into the water, my unshowered body chilled.
I waited for my name to be announced by our teacher and after four names, I heard mine.
It felt like the world froze for seconds and I used those seconds to place myself at the other end of the pool where I was supposed to kick my feet to save myself a few meters of swimming.
So there I went, I took a deep breath and performed the long practiced kick and swooosh! I could no longer describe how I looked while I was swimming. I don't know how long it took me to reach the other end but when I was already in the middle- which is exactly the part of the pool where people who stand at 4ft and 11 inches like me- shouldn't linger, I felt like stopping for a while and just catch my breath.
It was extremely tiring and I thought for one moment that my legs would be detached from my body.
But I kept on kicking and flying my arms upward and down again into the water, I breathe every time I could and just kept on moving.
I remember I thought of grabbing that rope on the pool and just rest for a while but doing so would mean having 85 over 100. So I struggled so hard to keep myself from being tempted by the idea. I don't even know if I was still doing it right but the whole time I was doing it, I had only one thing in mind: I HAVE TO CROSS IT. And that's exactly what I did.
I felt the hard, wet pebble coated cement on the other side of the pool and I felt proud of myself. I DID IT!
I was able to cross the pool.
Now, as I sit here while pouring my current emotion out, I think about how things went for me this second semester. I must say, I haven't been doing that good. Should I give a range for how I've performed, I would even say it's closer to bad.
Then I think about it, everything that I am going through right now is so much like crossing the pool (while swimming, of course!)
I have to cross, and though most of the time I feel like stopping and catching my breath, I guess I should better just take a deep breath all the time, dive into the water, keep my arms and feet moving, breathe whenever I could and just reach the other end. I shouldn't stop, because if I would, the tendency is I would lose the courage and the strength to go on and just let myself be drowned by frustration, self-pity, regrets, anger and pain.
I guess, that's where I failed.
I have an idea of who I am and of what I could do but every time I feel tired, I don't try my best to just endure whatever it is that I am going through. I don't set goals, I don't usually know the WHERETOs and HOWTOs. Or if I know, I keep on lazing around thinking that I am not ready for anything when, just now, I have realized that no one is really ready for anything unless they try.
I talked to one of my teachers this morning and though I could have spent a few more minutes talking to her, what she told me made me decide to just back off.
I am waste.
That's what she told me. A waste not because I am made of nothing but because I am made of something and yet I am throwing everything that I could ever be into waste. Hearing her say those words felt like I was being stabbed with the sharp TRUTH.
I am throwing myself away. I am not trying hard to get to the other side of all these things that I am going through.
I think I know exactly what to do and still, I keep on feeling scared and unready all the time.
But really, when my PE teacher said "Go" earlier, which had meant that I should start kicking and swimming, I just did what he said. I've let go of my apprehensions, kicked on the wall, started swimming and never stopped until I reached the other side.
Perhaps that is something that I should try with my life right now....
I have to let go of everything. Pluck up the courage to just cross the pool of education, of love, of hardships... of LIFE and reach the other end no matter what I have to go through.
I was given a second chance before, I failed. Now, I'll be the one to give myself one more chance to try on another path and take the challenges I'd have to face while walking on that other road.
And just in case there'd be rivers, I now know what to do...
I just have to cross.
So I spent a couple of afternoons going to Sta. Fe and practicing a bit just to make myself comfortable with water. And earlier today, I really thought that all those afternoons of swimming practices, those evening jogs I did to have better endurance, will go to nothing.
The moment I stepped into the water, my unshowered body chilled.
I waited for my name to be announced by our teacher and after four names, I heard mine.
It felt like the world froze for seconds and I used those seconds to place myself at the other end of the pool where I was supposed to kick my feet to save myself a few meters of swimming.
So there I went, I took a deep breath and performed the long practiced kick and swooosh! I could no longer describe how I looked while I was swimming. I don't know how long it took me to reach the other end but when I was already in the middle- which is exactly the part of the pool where people who stand at 4ft and 11 inches like me- shouldn't linger, I felt like stopping for a while and just catch my breath.
It was extremely tiring and I thought for one moment that my legs would be detached from my body.
But I kept on kicking and flying my arms upward and down again into the water, I breathe every time I could and just kept on moving.
I remember I thought of grabbing that rope on the pool and just rest for a while but doing so would mean having 85 over 100. So I struggled so hard to keep myself from being tempted by the idea. I don't even know if I was still doing it right but the whole time I was doing it, I had only one thing in mind: I HAVE TO CROSS IT. And that's exactly what I did.
I felt the hard, wet pebble coated cement on the other side of the pool and I felt proud of myself. I DID IT!
I was able to cross the pool.
Now, as I sit here while pouring my current emotion out, I think about how things went for me this second semester. I must say, I haven't been doing that good. Should I give a range for how I've performed, I would even say it's closer to bad.
Then I think about it, everything that I am going through right now is so much like crossing the pool (while swimming, of course!)
I have to cross, and though most of the time I feel like stopping and catching my breath, I guess I should better just take a deep breath all the time, dive into the water, keep my arms and feet moving, breathe whenever I could and just reach the other end. I shouldn't stop, because if I would, the tendency is I would lose the courage and the strength to go on and just let myself be drowned by frustration, self-pity, regrets, anger and pain.
I guess, that's where I failed.
I have an idea of who I am and of what I could do but every time I feel tired, I don't try my best to just endure whatever it is that I am going through. I don't set goals, I don't usually know the WHERETOs and HOWTOs. Or if I know, I keep on lazing around thinking that I am not ready for anything when, just now, I have realized that no one is really ready for anything unless they try.
I talked to one of my teachers this morning and though I could have spent a few more minutes talking to her, what she told me made me decide to just back off.
I am waste.
That's what she told me. A waste not because I am made of nothing but because I am made of something and yet I am throwing everything that I could ever be into waste. Hearing her say those words felt like I was being stabbed with the sharp TRUTH.
I am throwing myself away. I am not trying hard to get to the other side of all these things that I am going through.
I think I know exactly what to do and still, I keep on feeling scared and unready all the time.
But really, when my PE teacher said "Go" earlier, which had meant that I should start kicking and swimming, I just did what he said. I've let go of my apprehensions, kicked on the wall, started swimming and never stopped until I reached the other side.
Perhaps that is something that I should try with my life right now....
I have to let go of everything. Pluck up the courage to just cross the pool of education, of love, of hardships... of LIFE and reach the other end no matter what I have to go through.
I was given a second chance before, I failed. Now, I'll be the one to give myself one more chance to try on another path and take the challenges I'd have to face while walking on that other road.
And just in case there'd be rivers, I now know what to do...
I just have to cross.
Friday, March 11, 2011
THEM
Since I thought that all magazine articles were all past deadlines, I was very much determined to finish my article before sunrise. I set an interview with the College of Education's choice for this year's The Class and yet in the end, I also had to postpone for some reasons.
So I went home just to change into clean clothes after taking our associate editor's advice that it won't be good if I would go home in my uniform on a Saturday morning. I spent about an hour and a half in traveling, showering and preparing to go back to school.
I was irritated however when by the time I got back to LaSalle and called the office to ask someone to fetch me at the second gate, no one was answering the phone. The guards told me that they (SPECTRES) have all gone out, to have dinner I supposed.
So to cut the long story short, I had to load up just to ask where they've gone, walk from the second gate to the end of Lasalle avenue, wait for a few minutes for a Talisay jeep, ended up riding a Silay jeep instead before I finally got to Chicken house where the gang of Zombies was waiting for me.
I wasn't really in a good mood but when I saw them, I don't know why I was suddenly reminded of a family.. So when I finally got to sit on one of the chairs, I was eager to enjoy dinner.
There were the usual gossips, jokes and endless conversations about everything. By the time we rode the tricycle back to the office, I felt joy.. And that's when I realized that, despite all the pressure being a spectre gives me, I still could say that it is in being a spectre that I find joy and fulfillment.
It is with them that I laugh like as if I'm about to die the next day and have fun like as if there's no other day that I could enjoy except at the present moment.
So, maybe, I just want to say that, I love being in the publication. I love the Spectres and above all, I love being one.
So I went home just to change into clean clothes after taking our associate editor's advice that it won't be good if I would go home in my uniform on a Saturday morning. I spent about an hour and a half in traveling, showering and preparing to go back to school.
I was irritated however when by the time I got back to LaSalle and called the office to ask someone to fetch me at the second gate, no one was answering the phone. The guards told me that they (SPECTRES) have all gone out, to have dinner I supposed.
So to cut the long story short, I had to load up just to ask where they've gone, walk from the second gate to the end of Lasalle avenue, wait for a few minutes for a Talisay jeep, ended up riding a Silay jeep instead before I finally got to Chicken house where the gang of Zombies was waiting for me.
I wasn't really in a good mood but when I saw them, I don't know why I was suddenly reminded of a family.. So when I finally got to sit on one of the chairs, I was eager to enjoy dinner.
There were the usual gossips, jokes and endless conversations about everything. By the time we rode the tricycle back to the office, I felt joy.. And that's when I realized that, despite all the pressure being a spectre gives me, I still could say that it is in being a spectre that I find joy and fulfillment.
It is with them that I laugh like as if I'm about to die the next day and have fun like as if there's no other day that I could enjoy except at the present moment.
So, maybe, I just want to say that, I love being in the publication. I love the Spectres and above all, I love being one.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Lost Sheep
I was there, among the others who were flocking the chapel that hour. It's Ash Wednesday so everyone intended to have a cross sign on their foreheads, like as if it would give them a ticket to hell if they fail to do so.
If you would ask me why I was really there, you would probably be surprised to find out that I don't really know either. For weeks, maybe even longer, I haven't been praying. I go to church, I listen to the gospel, I get to eat the Body of Christ and yet I just know that something's missing. I no longer think of God the way I thought of Him before. I'd like to blame myself for entertaining the probability that there's no God after all these time. Maybe we are just being made to believe that there's a place called heaven where angels and a supreme being live and that there's hell where people who do evil stuff would be burned forever after judgement day.
I get scared at times. Is my questioning of His existence the reason why my life is going crazy right now? Am I being punished for doubting Him?
While at the chapel earlier, I found myself shedding tears before and after I had the holy communion. I couldn't help it. They say, when you are not saying anything to Him, He would be the one to tell you what He wants to say to you. And the whole time, I forced myself to focus, to think of nothing but my relationship with Him. And the more I thought of Him, the more I realized how worse I have become. I find myself already half eaten by anger. And I thought of my mom who tirelessly tells me to forgive everyone who has done me wrong and stay humble. I thought about all the people I've hurt because I am just so mad. I thought of myself, how much I have screwed things up, how I have let go of almost everything just because I am tired, confused and bitter.
I thought about everything and I only wanted to cry. Thank the heavens there were lots of people in there. Still, I felt like exploding in pain. I wanted to let it all out. I felt like I needed to burst out just to calm the storm inside me. Yet I didn't.
I stared at the bronze imitation of Christ nailed on the wooden cross at the chapel, I tried to be in my most spiritually sensitive state. I found it hard to even listen to Him, it used to be easy for me. The fact that I already find it difficult to pray is proof enough that I have gone so far away from His flock.. That I have been terribly bad, that I have been lost.
And as I stared at the figure of the man whom I dreamed of being married to before, I let a few tears slide down my face. It was relieving. Ignoring the remaining people inside the chapel, I prayed, " Just let me believe in You, the way I do before.."
I stayed for a few more moments, and when I went out.. I have nothing in my heart but hope. Hope that everything will be fine, because He's real, and He'll never forsake me.. I JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.
If you would ask me why I was really there, you would probably be surprised to find out that I don't really know either. For weeks, maybe even longer, I haven't been praying. I go to church, I listen to the gospel, I get to eat the Body of Christ and yet I just know that something's missing. I no longer think of God the way I thought of Him before. I'd like to blame myself for entertaining the probability that there's no God after all these time. Maybe we are just being made to believe that there's a place called heaven where angels and a supreme being live and that there's hell where people who do evil stuff would be burned forever after judgement day.
I get scared at times. Is my questioning of His existence the reason why my life is going crazy right now? Am I being punished for doubting Him?
While at the chapel earlier, I found myself shedding tears before and after I had the holy communion. I couldn't help it. They say, when you are not saying anything to Him, He would be the one to tell you what He wants to say to you. And the whole time, I forced myself to focus, to think of nothing but my relationship with Him. And the more I thought of Him, the more I realized how worse I have become. I find myself already half eaten by anger. And I thought of my mom who tirelessly tells me to forgive everyone who has done me wrong and stay humble. I thought about all the people I've hurt because I am just so mad. I thought of myself, how much I have screwed things up, how I have let go of almost everything just because I am tired, confused and bitter.
I thought about everything and I only wanted to cry. Thank the heavens there were lots of people in there. Still, I felt like exploding in pain. I wanted to let it all out. I felt like I needed to burst out just to calm the storm inside me. Yet I didn't.
I stared at the bronze imitation of Christ nailed on the wooden cross at the chapel, I tried to be in my most spiritually sensitive state. I found it hard to even listen to Him, it used to be easy for me. The fact that I already find it difficult to pray is proof enough that I have gone so far away from His flock.. That I have been terribly bad, that I have been lost.
And as I stared at the figure of the man whom I dreamed of being married to before, I let a few tears slide down my face. It was relieving. Ignoring the remaining people inside the chapel, I prayed, " Just let me believe in You, the way I do before.."
I stayed for a few more moments, and when I went out.. I have nothing in my heart but hope. Hope that everything will be fine, because He's real, and He'll never forsake me.. I JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.
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