I Just Have To Cross

I've been worrying about our final swimming practicum for weeks now. For someone like me who can't really swim that well, 50 meters freestyle is torture!

So I spent a couple of afternoons going to Sta. Fe and practicing a bit just to make myself comfortable with water. And earlier today, I really thought that all those afternoons of swimming practices, those evening jogs I did to have better endurance, will go to nothing.

The moment I stepped into the water, my unshowered body chilled.

I waited for my name to be announced by our teacher and after four names, I heard mine.

It felt like the world froze for seconds and I used those seconds to place myself at the other end of the pool where I was supposed to kick my feet to save myself a few meters of swimming.

So there I went, I took a deep breath and performed the long practiced kick and swooosh! I could no longer describe how I looked while I was swimming. I don't know how long it took me to reach the other end but when I was already in the middle- which is exactly the part of the pool where people who stand at 4ft and 11 inches like me- shouldn't linger, I felt like stopping for a while and just catch my breath.

It was extremely tiring and I thought for one moment that my legs would be detached from my body.

But I kept on kicking and flying my arms upward and down again into the water, I breathe every time I could and just kept on moving.

I remember I thought of grabbing that rope on the pool and just rest for a while but doing so would mean having 85 over 100. So I struggled so hard to keep myself from being tempted by the idea. I don't even know if I was still doing it right but the whole time I was doing it, I had only one thing in mind: I HAVE TO CROSS IT. And that's exactly what I did.

I felt the hard, wet pebble coated cement on the other side of the pool and I felt proud of myself. I DID IT!

I was able to cross the pool.

Now, as I sit here while pouring my current emotion out, I think about how things went for me this second semester. I must say, I haven't been doing that good. Should I give a range for how I've performed, I would even say it's closer to bad.

Then I think about it, everything that I am going through right now is so much like crossing the pool (while swimming, of course!)

I have to cross, and though most of the time I feel like stopping and catching my breath, I guess I should better just take a deep breath all the time, dive into the water, keep my arms and feet moving, breathe whenever I could and just reach the other end. I shouldn't stop, because if I would, the tendency is I would lose the courage and the strength to go on and just let myself be drowned by frustration, self-pity, regrets, anger and pain.

I guess, that's where I failed.

I have an idea of who I am and of what I could do but every time I feel tired, I don't try my best to just endure whatever it is that I am going through. I don't set goals, I don't usually know the WHERETOs and HOWTOs. Or if I know, I keep on lazing around thinking that I am not ready for anything when, just now, I have realized that no one is really ready for anything unless they try.

I talked to one of my teachers this morning and though I could have spent a few more minutes talking to her, what she told me made me decide to just back off.

I am waste.

That's what she told me. A waste not because I am made of nothing but because I am made of something and yet I am throwing everything that I could ever be into waste. Hearing her say those words felt like I was being stabbed with the sharp TRUTH.

I am throwing myself away. I am not trying hard to get to the other side of all these things that I am going through.

I think I know exactly what to do and still, I keep on feeling scared and unready all the time.

But really, when my PE teacher said "Go" earlier, which had meant that I should start kicking and swimming, I just did what he said. I've let go of my apprehensions, kicked on the wall, started swimming and never stopped until I reached the other side.

Perhaps that is something that I should try with my life right now....

I have to let go of everything. Pluck up the courage to just cross the pool of education, of love, of hardships... of LIFE and reach the other end no matter what I have to go through.

I was given a second chance before, I failed. Now, I'll be the one to give myself one more chance to try on another path and take the challenges I'd have to face while walking on that other road.

And just in case there'd be rivers, I now know what to do...

I just have to cross.