I don't wanna conquer the world anymore

The truth is, I'm scared.

One second I can see myself conquer the world but the next moment, I'm back inside my shell, where I feel safe.

During a career forum I attended a week ago, a diplomat told us how awesome he thinks his life is and how lucky he is for being able to dine with royalties, shake  hands with prime ministers and presidents, and travel wherever.

Yeah, he's quite full of himself but you know what I hate? It's that I love his life, and I love the idea of living the same life he lives but I don't think I got what it takes.

Yes, some friends and colleagues told me I got PR skills, that I am a people person, I don't know what made them say that, after all I just talk when I feel the need to. I wonder if they've ever seen me stammer and embarrass myself or forget what to say and look funny in front of a crowd.

Worse is, I don't think I could hide my disgust at those seemingly upright men who are fond of wearing coats and ties and pretend to be important. I don't think I could manage to shake hands with a president who had just waged war against a helpless nation nor lie about something to make someone else look good. I don't think I can do that, so I guess, no matter how ideal that diplomat's life sounded to me and to many other ambitious bozos I was sitting with in that auditorium last week, I just can't be like him.

Well, I could try if I want to, but I don't even want to. Coz you know what I really want right now?

I wanna graduate, go to Canada and perhaps work as waitress or a convenience store cashier, get a Master's degree, go back home, put up a poultry house, work for a newspaper, teach somewhere, buy a house, get married, and take care of a dog while writing a book.

That's the life I want, because I'm so tired of trying so hard to change the world. I'm tired of trying to be heard, I'm tired of trying to make things better for someone else. I wanna stop chasing the elusive.

I just want to sit around, have a routine and stick to it.

I don't wanna conquer the world anymore.