A Secret Wish

20^th, June 2011

1:58am

It’s been about two hours past Fathers’ Day. And the whole 24 hours passed without me greeting him at all. Not even one tiny smiley from me to him to make him feel that somehow, my anger had subsided. I couldn’t make him think that way, it’s not me to make people believe something that is not true. Honestly, I am not at all affected à lie. I am not feeling bad at the thought that he might be very lonely right now because I didn’t even bother to greet him Happy Fathers’ Day, just like how I pretended not to remember his birthday àanother lie.

Alright. So I’m in denial. But if you were me, what would you do? Seriously, being in denial, pretending not to care and ignoring the pain keep me from losing my sanity these days. Being in denial keeps my foundation intact. Without this particular coping mechanism, I don’t know where I’d be right now. 

It’s been months since they left, months since I had my first ever emotional breakdown because I felt like my entire family hated me for hating him and his woman. Of course, they still think worse of me until now, which is also among the many reasons why I couldn’t seem to forgive him… them. 

My grandmother, that little woman who- despite all the painful words she’d spoken to me- is just so dear to me, kept on telling me to forgive him. But sometimes, I pretty much want to just yell at her, cry right in front of her and ask her what she knows about forgiveness. Ah! Most people never really grasp the fact that forgiveness is among the many things in the world that is easy to ask for but is just so difficult to give.

But well, it’s been months. Somehow, I’ve already picked up the pieces of my shattered self. It was hard, but I didn’t have a choice. I think the easiest things to get done are those that leave you with no choice at all but to have it done.

I still get mad, but the anger doesn’t anymore show. I still cry, but the tears are less than there was before.

I’ve learned to just step on the broken pieces of everything that was ruined by my anger. I stepped on those broken pieces and walked on them. It hurt but I kept walking, to where I am right now. I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I’m trying hard to leave that ugly island of resentment behind.

Thinking about the past five months of my life while listening to Tim Mcgraw’s “My Little Girl” and Bob Carlisle’s “Butterfly Kisses” over and over again, I find myself all the more sad.

It may have been five months, I’ve been through hell but the wounds are still fresh and the pain keeps on coming back.

But despite everything, I would lie to myself if I would say that I don’t miss him. Because I do, a lot.

And if there’s one thing, just one thing that I would wish for right now, that would be for me to go back to when I was five years old. Back to those days when I get to ride on his back on our way home from that resort where he used to teach little kids to swim, back to those days when we watch cartoons late at night and he makes pineapple or pomelo juice for me. Back to those times when he brings me to the mountains, makes me a swing between banana trees and watches me play in the river. Back to those times when he brings me to school and fetches me when school’s over. Back to those times when I was his little girl…. Back to those times.

I never wanted to be this mad at him, but I’ve been hurt too much.

And as much as I wanted to be back into those days, I just know that life doesn’t have a timeline where anyone could just go back to whatever time they would want to go back to. And my wish of being his little girl again, would just remain a secret…. Forever.