Family reunions and cluttered emotions

We had our annual family reunion last night.

Every holidays season, one of the things I always look forward to is that one night, that one meal that I get to share with the people I share the same lineage with.

I remember years back, my cousins and I were just a bunch of goofballs who'd always run around, breaking things in the process and causing our aunts and grandmothers to go ballistic which would often lead to an unplanned inventory of paintings, porcelain jars, and, well, candle sticks. Haha.

But seriously, I love reunions. I love being surrounded by aunts and uncles who'd always make me feel like a five year old when they're talking to me. I'm 21 years old, I'm an editor in the school publication, I hold authority somewhere, but whenever they speak to me, I feel like a kid, I'm not sure why, though.

This is the first family reunion that lolo's not with us. It sort of felt sad but no one dared mention him, I don't want to think everyone has forgotten about him but, maybe, everyone's trying to evade the sadness, too. It's gonna be New year, after all.

So there were lots of food, each family brought something to share to everyone else. It was quite a dinner. With the combined powers of my tita Emee, tita Madeline, and the family's caterer and chef, highly meticulous tita Marichu, we had such superb dinner, really. Too bad I was busy taking paparazzi shots of everyone I forgot to really savor my dinner.

Anyway, the oldies ended up enjoying two bottles of wine and a case of beer, all to themselves. Just when they were having a great time kissing the cold lips of San Mig Lights' bottles, us youngsters, retreated to my cousin Micah's room.

My genius of a cousin, Luke, introduced this game, I forgot what he called it, and we had fun. Haha. Imagine, the app would provide a name and you just have to guess if it's a gay bar or a steak house.

But then, we had our photo shoots, and each family had to pose for a couple of shots. And that's where I felt lost. Truth is, I suddenly felt like running away, scared that they might also wonder who I should pose with. I mean, shouldn't a family be composed of a mom, a dad, and children? But, because I was feeling sick, I stayed rooted on the floor where I stood. Just wishing they won't notice my change of mood. And then I realized that the only way to evade that thing I dreaded was if I take the camera and do the shots. And that's what I did. Of course, the plan's a huge success, not one of them noticed. But in my heart, the question stayed written, like words carved on stone.

But I kept going, reluctant to let negative vibes take over the night. I tried to enjoy the family shots, I thought, that in group shots, it won't be too obvious that I was the only one among us cousins who didn't have a parent there. And so, I went home cool, as ever. Or at least I'd like to think so. Below are some shots taken during the reunion.

I plan to have some of them printed, because, my ancestors are really not growing any younger, and I just want them to be part of who I am, for as long as they possibly can.

This is not all of us, just yet, some cousins were not around. 

With our lola Lilia and my first cousins Tine Tine, Stephanie, and  Cyril. 

With our grooviest lola Mel.

My favorite male cousin Luke, Lola, and Me. :)

I wonder

I wonder.

I wonder how it'd feel like, to sit with you and listen as you tell me how bad your day went. I wonder, how it'd feel like, to hug you when you're feeling blue or hold your hand when you're nervous about something.

Really, I wonder.

I wonder how it'd be, if there was you.... and me.

Your Subtle Goodbye

I wasn't even so sure yet
of WHAT it is or was
and then there you were
shooting me riddles that
made me keep saying WHY
again and again.

I wasn't even so sure yet
of what it is or was and why
and there you were already
saying GOODBYE.

Di mabatunan na post on FB

I remember you once told me, you wish for me to someday see the world with you. You probably said it just for the heck of it but, I wish you knew, that at every moment I've spent with you, I've seen the world in a better view.

TTD

Things to do:

1.) Get a degree
2.) Touch lives
3.) Find at least one friend who'd die for you and whom you'd also die for
4.) Fall in love and stay in love till the next 50 years
5.) Acquire courage
6.) Create a ripple of change
7.) Teach what you've learned
8.) Die happy

I know

I know. And I wish you also knew, that I am in love with you.

To Lolo

Good afternoon. Hi, everybody.

Like most of you, I’m also in a hurry to get this over and done with. I’d very much like to eat, yeah.

But before we’re done, I’d like to share something about this man we’re going to say our painful goodbyes to.

For one, he’s my grandfather. Yes.

To say that lolo was a great man is an understatement.

For someone who had to work his way through a lot of things, he was more than great.

But I guess it would be worthless to talk to you about his struggles in life, after all, most of them he went through when I wasn’t even born yet.

So I guess I’ll tell you, how I’ve known him as husband to my lola, and as my grandfather.

I know for a fact that we live in an era where infidelity is considered as ‘normal’, in a world where selfish home wreckers walk freely and no one dare throw stones at them. In a world like that, in an era like this, lolo did stand out.

He was a perfect example of a faithful husband, and a really good provider. Had he lived five more days, we could have celebrated his and lola’s 50^th golden anniversary. But unfortunately, he passed on.

I don’t know if this would interest you but, he was actually the one who brought my mom to the hospital on the eve of my birthday, mama even told me once that he stood as 'father' when I was born. He’s done so much for my mom, and for me. But I never really got to thank him. So in behalf of my mother, I’d like to say, ‘Thanks, Lo.’

In the last five years of my life, I’ve seen lolo as someone who’s tough and stern. To me, he was the epitome of a ‘father’, which was a good thing because I didn’t grow up with one.

He’s not exactly the loving kind, but I know he did love us all.

About a month before he died, I was frequenting my groupmate’s house near La Salle, we were working on our thesis there. And one night, I had to go out of the house around midnight. He and lola were already in their room, and though, I could have easily just gotten out of the house and wait for a taxi there alone, I decided to wake lolo and asked him to accompany me outside, I told him I was scared.

The truth is, I was expecting a no. I was expecting lolo to get angry at me instead, especially that it was really late. But what he did surprised me, in a good way. Instead of the expected scolding, he picked up his shorts, wore his hat, took his flashlight out and went out with me into the streets.

It took about 15 minutes before an empty taxi finally passed us by. Within that 15 minutes, I tried to talk to him. I told him why me and my group mates had to work at night, I told him that I was really tired, and that, if I’d have it my way, I won’t go either. He just stood there, listening, but with the movement of the crease on his forehead and with the look on his face, I knew he was interested in what I was saying. I felt the desire to talk to him some more, I felt the desire to tell him what wonderful plans I have for him and lola. But, I don’t know why I didn’t. When the taxi finally came, I said goodbye to him, I told him I’ll be back in the morning. I could have kissed and hugged him but, I knew it would surprise him; I don’t do that very often. So as I hopped inside the cab, I watched lolo walk back to the house. And silently, I thanked God I still had lolo. In a way, I felt safe, protected.

A few years back, I tried working in a call center while I was in my freshman year in college. I lasted for about five months. And every night, on my way to work, lolo would walk me to where the tricycles were and one time, a car passed us by and yelled nasty stuff at us, just for the heck of it. I’d usually let those things pass but, Lolo, who was more than 70 years old at that time, yelled back and scolded the young men. That night, I realized that no matter what happens, lolo would never let anyone treat us badly, at least not without retaliation.

It’s funny that I remember all these things now.

You see, when he died, among the first few things that I asked myself was if he loved  and cared for me, still, because there was a time in my life when lolo and I really got on different sides. I guess he hated it when I got so so so so angry at the world.

I never really got why he couldn’t understand my anger, but now I know why.

I was fluent in Anger, Lolo was fluent in love, and that’s why, for a while, we really didn’t understand each other.

In his last few weeks, I remember him asking me if I already had dinner every time I’d arrive home at night. I did appreciate it, especially coming from lolo.

Somehow, I’ve realized that maybe I shouldn’t be asking as to whether he loved and cared for me still, perhaps I should be asking if he even knew I love him, too.

Because I really do.

I remember one time, lolo was looking for the map which I used in my social science class in high school, I asked him why he’s looking for it, and his answer reverberated in my thoughts for quite some time. He said that he wants to study it, because even when he’s already old, he still wants to learn new things.

I fell silent at that time, but had I known then what I know now, I would have asked him to learn how to survive cardiac arrest. That way, he’d still be with us now.

So we lost a leader in the family. But wherever he is, whoever he’s with, just gained another soul who won’t let health complications stop him from living life to the fullest. And wherever Lolo may be, I hope he’s happy.

Indeed, to say that lolo was great is truly an understatement, because more than just a great man, he was a good man.

And though it may take a while before we’ll see each other again, let us all comfort ourselves with the idea that, this isn’t goodbye, but only, so long…