Cover your ears

At age seven, you acted like you have actually accepted everything that's happening in your life which include the separation of your parents, and aunts and uncles who bully you because both your mother and your father were away from you so nobody's there to protect you from bullies who can't pick their own size. People marveled at the depth of your understanding and your capacity to just smile and shrug your shoulders whenever old people ask you how you feel after your parents got separated.

Now that you are older and the word 'anger' is already listed on your vocabulary, people call you "arrogant", "rude", "inconsiderate", "selfish", "wild", "ill-mannered",  and "disrespectful".

You are then being thought of as someone who is just so weak to even accept and cope up with the things that are happening in her life. In every possible way, they are showing you that venting out your anger is totally wrong because each and every individual who has ever walked the earth is going through something painful and difficult and that like most, you should just shut up.

I should say that people who think this way are just plain dumb and ignorant. I bet they've never gone through Psychology 101.

Or maybe, these people have just been used to you being quiet about the things that you feel. It's easier for them that way so they'd rather you have your mouth zipped forever.

But then, keeping your silence just so others won't hear anything unpleasing is not really something that brave and honest people do.

Everyone of us was given a mind and a mouth so that we could think independently and say whatever we wish to say without asking someone else to speak for us. So why the hell should we keep our silence for someone else's peace?

For those who don't like hearing anything unpleasing to hear from other people but can't help stumping on someone else's foot and ruining someone else's life, I have something to say to you:

Cover your ears because I won't shut my mouth.

I listened to myself today

I listened to myself today

There weren’t notes

Nor musical instruments

Neither jolly beats

That accompanied the song

That was sang by my soul

There was just

A constant flow of memories

Of long kept hatred, pain, and anguish

I listened to myself today

There weren’t notes

Nor musical instruments

Neither jolly beats

That accompanied the song

That was sang by my soul

There was just the beating of my heart

The unceasing thump

Of that fragile little thing

Which had long held everything in

I listened to myself today

There weren’t notes

Nor musical instruments

Neither jolly beats

That accompanied the song

That was sang by my soul

There was just me

And the quiet sound of my breathing

Me and my poignant thinking

Silently taking it all in and getting ready

To finally let it all out

I listened to myself today

There weren’t notes

Nor musical instruments

Neither jolly beats

That accompanied the song

That was sang by my soul

There was just me…

Listening to myself.

The WISE

He knows how I think, how I feel about things. And as I was watching him utter those words I would never even have the courage to say, tears were fighting their way out of my eyes. He is a great man, greater than many others I've known and yet, his greatness never became a reason for him to look down on lost souls like me. And as I stared at him as he goes on speaking, asking questions which he probably meant to ask to help me understand my options better, I was silently telling myself that someday, I'm going to make him proud of me.

To my Tatay Bok, you have no idea how much you're helping me. I feel like I'm a total nobody and yet you go on making me feel better when I don't even know how I'd be able to get up from where I am. In fact, I don't even know if I could still get up at all. But then again, thank you for believing in me, Dad.. I hope someday I make you proud.

From Facebook

This was the first status I posted in Facebook today. Inspired by my irritation towards our beloved LEADER. 

"The best thing about being a leader is not the thought that you get to give orders, but rather, the thought that you are not supposed to fail because someone else trusts you enough to have placed you exactly on the spot where you are: ABOVE THEM."

Pliers and Pies

Just this morning, I clipped my right forefinger with the pliers as I was trying to fix the faucet. One may think that I could have asked someone else to fix it for me but then, if you are living with a 75 year old grandmother and a 71 year old grandfather, you would surely understand why I had to do it myself.

So there I was in the bathroom wrapped in my heavy dull orange towel, trying to play as the home plumber when suddenly, I clipped my finger. You could imagine my face as I watched the pinkish mark that the pliers left on my skin. Surprisingly, I was calm. I tried to wash my hurt finger with water and forgot about the faucet. Never mind that it wasn't fixed, I am not going to risk another finger being clipped.

When I arrived in school, there wasn't much to do since I didn't have any exams today. I asked the other zombies if they would want to have ice cream to cool ourselves (by the way, the aircon unit in the office is on a fritz so just imagine how hot it is in the office right now..).

And so we went to the foodcourt to get some icecream and were disappointed when we found out that they don't have any icecream stock today. Boohoo!

Of course, being us, we went out of the school up to the Lasalle Avenue branch of Jollibee just to grab the much craved for icecream! However, since I was not able to have lunch yet, I thought of buying some pies. And though I am not really stupid, I BRAVELY took one, extremely hot pie, brought it to my mouth, bit it and immediately spat it out. IT WAS TOO HOT!

Goodness gracious! You could just imagine what those people from the other table thought about me. Perhaps they were thinking, "what a clutz".

I would probably forgive myself if I only did it once but, I did it twice.. I spat the thing out again the second time I took a bite.

Oh Coleen. When will you ever learn that you shouldn't swallow something hot?

But anyway.. So I experienced one unfortunate event in the morning and another one in the afternoon.. Will there be another one this evening?

Oh crap.. Should go home and lock myself in my room perhaps.

Transparent

"You look fragile."

Someone close to me told me that a few moments ago. And I think she's right. I am fragile, and I might break just any time.

I guess I am pretty much transparent after all. Like a clear, highly breakable glass.. People could see through me.

THE GOAL

I fear the unknown. I am hoping for a better tomorrow but I'm not working hard for it. I hate myself for being so confused, so angry.. so lost. I am tired of the way life goes for me. I am tired of acting like as if I am so damn busy when the truth is, I am only busy because I don't set goals. I always procrastinate. I always act only when the bomb is on the trigger. I am not moving forward. I just stay circling the same spot I've been on for so long.

And I am tired of it.

I'd like things to change. I WANT some change.

Somehow, it also scares me because the change that I'm talking about is for me to stop feeling like I'm lost. And the only way for me to do that is to find myself. My OLD self.

I am 18. Young.. but I won't forever be.

So I have to do something about my life right now.

And at the moment, I only have one goal: FIND MYSELF.