Being poetic at Solomon Hall

Why is it, heaven

That at every drop of hope you send

You let despair rain on me

You cast me a glimmer of your light

And yet how do I see it

When your darkness have stolen my sight?

Frowning at the computer

Perhaps the only way to teach someone to treat you better is by leaving them and letting them realize on their own how much they need you back. That way, they'll work hard to win you back, and if ever you'd give them another chance (since you only really just wanted teach them a lesson anyway), they'll be careful not to lose you again.

Gawd. This is the most frustrating thing ever. It's my Civil Service exam tomorrow and basically, the only preparations I've made include staying awake for 20 hours to finish our thesis, going home after six in the morning, sleeping for five hours, waking up to eat lunch, eating lunch like a man, scanning through some pages of my reviewer, sleeping again, and lastly, waking up to face disappointments. 

I think with all those things, I'd definitely pass the exam. 

When will I ever learn? I've tried getting away from this crap for several times, but when will I ever mean it when I say, I'M DONE!?

Hang in there for a while

I can't sleep.

My laptop's battery meter shows that I only have 17 percent of my battery remaining, which is about 26 minutes of battery life left. I don't know if I could finish this that quick but, anyway, this is not exactly a novel so perhaps, yeah, I can.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I had a cup of coffee but it was decaf so I don't think I should have trouble sleeping with less than a pint of decaffeinated Christmas in a cup. I can't stop the flow of thoughts into my head. I feel like a ship sinking due to the heavy barrels of thoughts that are weighing me down. They flow into my system in such strong currents I could barely understand any of them.

I can deny all I want but I know, deep down, there's that little ache I've been trying to ignore for quite a while. I tell myself to just keep moving, keep going because I don't want to stop for anyone at all but, somehow, a part of me would want to just take a break, catch my breath and really figure out what I really want.

I know what's at stake. I do know what's at stake, which is why it is a lot harder and more painful to decide.

I just console myself with the idea that I am not really holding on to anything after all, so it shouldn't hurt that much.

But hell, truth is, it actually does.

And here's the thing, I'm letting my heart break just to protect someone else's heart from breaking apart.

Does that even sound sane?

____hang in there for a while.

Dear You

Dear You who invades my dreams every once in a while,


Hi. How's Poseidon, is he treating you well? I hope so. The truth is, I'm glad to have you back in my life. I thought I'll never see you again when you vacated that small space in my life you held years ago. But I guess I'm wrong. It's nice to be with you again. I like talking to you. I don't know if it's just me but we really do connect in ways that I can't explain. Your emotions may not exactly be as unpredictable as mine but, somehow, we understood each other. You just know what I'm talking about most of the time and it fascinates me that you just get me without me elaborating.

I like how we've gotten closer since the last time we saw each other again. But it's weird though, it's weird that I'm scared to know you, scared to get even more close to you. I like being around you but it seems that getting even more close to you would lead me to another emotional disaster. And I just don't have time for the pain or any other complicated things right now.

Being near you,  it's like getting close to the fire on a cold, rainy night. I like being with you because I get to have a bit of the sunshine that you radiate from your soul. I've always been cautious not to get too close, though, for I fear I might be pulled by your gravity and I won't anymore be in control, and I like being in control.

But it seems that if I go on, I'd lose control pretty soon. I've built walls around me but it's surprising how you could just blow them off effortlessly.

So, dear you, who invades my dreams once in a while, please, don't let me lose control. I just can't lose control.

Goodbye my little Musketeer

Porthos is still not his usual lively, almost annoying self but, he can now walk and eat what you put in his bowl. He looks at me with contempt each time I try to force his medicine into his mouth but, he's getting better and that's all we want. However his brother, Athos, our mighty black puppy who barks like a grown dog and scares everyone with his growl, died just today. It's something that we really didn't see coming. I know he's just a dog but I feel like I lost quite a big part of me and I don't even know why. So, it's one musketeer down, and it's my favorite musketeer down. They say that animals don't have souls but just in case they're wrong and little Athos is now in Heaven, I hope they give him lots of bones and lots of milk.       

Ask a WHY instead

I asked how
And they answered
Still
I asked again
How?

Then an old man walked towards me
His face painted with reproach

My dear, says he
Perhaps you should ask WHY instead
And then I'm sure
You will take on any HOWs

I don't wanna conquer the world anymore

The truth is, I'm scared.

One second I can see myself conquer the world but the next moment, I'm back inside my shell, where I feel safe.

During a career forum I attended a week ago, a diplomat told us how awesome he thinks his life is and how lucky he is for being able to dine with royalties, shake  hands with prime ministers and presidents, and travel wherever.

Yeah, he's quite full of himself but you know what I hate? It's that I love his life, and I love the idea of living the same life he lives but I don't think I got what it takes.

Yes, some friends and colleagues told me I got PR skills, that I am a people person, I don't know what made them say that, after all I just talk when I feel the need to. I wonder if they've ever seen me stammer and embarrass myself or forget what to say and look funny in front of a crowd.

Worse is, I don't think I could hide my disgust at those seemingly upright men who are fond of wearing coats and ties and pretend to be important. I don't think I could manage to shake hands with a president who had just waged war against a helpless nation nor lie about something to make someone else look good. I don't think I can do that, so I guess, no matter how ideal that diplomat's life sounded to me and to many other ambitious bozos I was sitting with in that auditorium last week, I just can't be like him.

Well, I could try if I want to, but I don't even want to. Coz you know what I really want right now?

I wanna graduate, go to Canada and perhaps work as waitress or a convenience store cashier, get a Master's degree, go back home, put up a poultry house, work for a newspaper, teach somewhere, buy a house, get married, and take care of a dog while writing a book.

That's the life I want, because I'm so tired of trying so hard to change the world. I'm tired of trying to be heard, I'm tired of trying to make things better for someone else. I wanna stop chasing the elusive.

I just want to sit around, have a routine and stick to it.

I don't wanna conquer the world anymore.