He knows how I think, how I feel about things. And as I was watching him utter those words I would never even have the courage to say, tears were fighting their way out of my eyes. He is a great man, greater than many others I've known and yet, his greatness never became a reason for him to look down on lost souls like me. And as I stared at him as he goes on speaking, asking questions which he probably meant to ask to help me understand my options better, I was silently telling myself that someday, I'm going to make him proud of me.
To my Tatay Bok, you have no idea how much you're helping me. I feel like I'm a total nobody and yet you go on making me feel better when I don't even know how I'd be able to get up from where I am. In fact, I don't even know if I could still get up at all. But then again, thank you for believing in me, Dad.. I hope someday I make you proud.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
From Facebook
This was the first status I posted in Facebook today. Inspired by my irritation towards our beloved LEADER.
"The best thing about being a leader is not the thought that you get to give orders, but rather, the thought that you are not supposed to fail because someone else trusts you enough to have placed you exactly on the spot where you are: ABOVE THEM."
Pliers and Pies
Just this morning, I clipped my right forefinger with the pliers as I was trying to fix the faucet. One may think that I could have asked someone else to fix it for me but then, if you are living with a 75 year old grandmother and a 71 year old grandfather, you would surely understand why I had to do it myself.
So there I was in the bathroom wrapped in my heavy dull orange towel, trying to play as the home plumber when suddenly, I clipped my finger. You could imagine my face as I watched the pinkish mark that the pliers left on my skin. Surprisingly, I was calm. I tried to wash my hurt finger with water and forgot about the faucet. Never mind that it wasn't fixed, I am not going to risk another finger being clipped.
When I arrived in school, there wasn't much to do since I didn't have any exams today. I asked the other zombies if they would want to have ice cream to cool ourselves (by the way, the aircon unit in the office is on a fritz so just imagine how hot it is in the office right now..).
And so we went to the foodcourt to get some icecream and were disappointed when we found out that they don't have any icecream stock today. Boohoo!
Of course, being us, we went out of the school up to the Lasalle Avenue branch of Jollibee just to grab the much craved for icecream! However, since I was not able to have lunch yet, I thought of buying some pies. And though I am not really stupid, I BRAVELY took one, extremely hot pie, brought it to my mouth, bit it and immediately spat it out. IT WAS TOO HOT!
Goodness gracious! You could just imagine what those people from the other table thought about me. Perhaps they were thinking, "what a clutz".
I would probably forgive myself if I only did it once but, I did it twice.. I spat the thing out again the second time I took a bite.
Oh Coleen. When will you ever learn that you shouldn't swallow something hot?
But anyway.. So I experienced one unfortunate event in the morning and another one in the afternoon.. Will there be another one this evening?
Oh crap.. Should go home and lock myself in my room perhaps.
So there I was in the bathroom wrapped in my heavy dull orange towel, trying to play as the home plumber when suddenly, I clipped my finger. You could imagine my face as I watched the pinkish mark that the pliers left on my skin. Surprisingly, I was calm. I tried to wash my hurt finger with water and forgot about the faucet. Never mind that it wasn't fixed, I am not going to risk another finger being clipped.
When I arrived in school, there wasn't much to do since I didn't have any exams today. I asked the other zombies if they would want to have ice cream to cool ourselves (by the way, the aircon unit in the office is on a fritz so just imagine how hot it is in the office right now..).
And so we went to the foodcourt to get some icecream and were disappointed when we found out that they don't have any icecream stock today. Boohoo!
Of course, being us, we went out of the school up to the Lasalle Avenue branch of Jollibee just to grab the much craved for icecream! However, since I was not able to have lunch yet, I thought of buying some pies. And though I am not really stupid, I BRAVELY took one, extremely hot pie, brought it to my mouth, bit it and immediately spat it out. IT WAS TOO HOT!
Goodness gracious! You could just imagine what those people from the other table thought about me. Perhaps they were thinking, "what a clutz".
I would probably forgive myself if I only did it once but, I did it twice.. I spat the thing out again the second time I took a bite.
Oh Coleen. When will you ever learn that you shouldn't swallow something hot?
But anyway.. So I experienced one unfortunate event in the morning and another one in the afternoon.. Will there be another one this evening?
Oh crap.. Should go home and lock myself in my room perhaps.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Transparent
"You look fragile."
Someone close to me told me that a few moments ago. And I think she's right. I am fragile, and I might break just any time.
I guess I am pretty much transparent after all. Like a clear, highly breakable glass.. People could see through me.
Someone close to me told me that a few moments ago. And I think she's right. I am fragile, and I might break just any time.
I guess I am pretty much transparent after all. Like a clear, highly breakable glass.. People could see through me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
THE GOAL
I fear the unknown. I am hoping for a better tomorrow but I'm not working hard for it. I hate myself for being so confused, so angry.. so lost. I am tired of the way life goes for me. I am tired of acting like as if I am so damn busy when the truth is, I am only busy because I don't set goals. I always procrastinate. I always act only when the bomb is on the trigger. I am not moving forward. I just stay circling the same spot I've been on for so long.
And I am tired of it.
I'd like things to change. I WANT some change.
Somehow, it also scares me because the change that I'm talking about is for me to stop feeling like I'm lost. And the only way for me to do that is to find myself. My OLD self.
I am 18. Young.. but I won't forever be.
So I have to do something about my life right now.
And at the moment, I only have one goal: FIND MYSELF.
And I am tired of it.
I'd like things to change. I WANT some change.
Somehow, it also scares me because the change that I'm talking about is for me to stop feeling like I'm lost. And the only way for me to do that is to find myself. My OLD self.
I am 18. Young.. but I won't forever be.
So I have to do something about my life right now.
And at the moment, I only have one goal: FIND MYSELF.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Forgotten emotion
I haven't been in school today.. Haven't been in any of my class. The latter won't sound unusual since that's how I am in most days. IN SCHOOL but NOT IN CLASS.
So I spent the whole day listening to the songs I've saved in my computer, watching the seventh part of the Harry Potter series over and over again, talking to Elpijay, thinking, thinking and thinking.
I was planning to go to school by around the 5th hour of the afternoon but then again, I decided to just wash my uniform and some of my other dirty clothes and when I was done, the thought of going to the ZOMBIE LAND have already been washed out of my mind.
I was thinking that today would just be one of those days where I stayed home and do nothing. Like as if forgetting that I am supposed to be a busy person. Then I got a text message from a classmate whom I've once been very closed to. It won't have been significant had I not been curious as to why someone like her sent me a message where my name is typed followed by a sad face icon. Of course, being me, I sent her a response asking what the sad face icon was all about?
Her answer didn't really surprise me. She was just asking if it was true that I would be shifting to another course. And so I did tell her the truth. That I would really be leaving MassComm. I don' really like it when people would fuss over my life and the decisions I make but I just felt the need to tell her something. And despite myself, as I re-read the replies I've sent her right now, I have somehow gotten the feeling that somewhere inside me resides a girl who is strong enough to handle whatever this is that she's going through. A girl who, despite being lost, would still manage to find herself again.
Somehow, I am wishing that I could also tell myself the same things that I tell those people who try to tell me how great I am and that I should be staying right in this place where I've been trying to belong to for so long. But then, if I could tell some people that I am okay and that everything else is happening for a reason and make them believe in it, I just know for a fact that I cannot because in many ways, I also don't know if there is still a reason left for those people who look up to me to believe in me the way they do.
At some point in life, we really just have to take a turn and go the other way.
That's what I told her, I am not really sure if that girl texted me because she was really sad after hearing that I'll be shifting to another course or perhaps she only wanted to find out if what she heard is true.
Whatever is her reason, there's just one thing that I have somehow learned in our conversation. Maybe I could get through this. Maybe despite me being so weak right now, I'd soon be able to come out of this.
So to that friend, THANKS! :]
(This is a delayed post)
So I spent the whole day listening to the songs I've saved in my computer, watching the seventh part of the Harry Potter series over and over again, talking to Elpijay, thinking, thinking and thinking.
I was planning to go to school by around the 5th hour of the afternoon but then again, I decided to just wash my uniform and some of my other dirty clothes and when I was done, the thought of going to the ZOMBIE LAND have already been washed out of my mind.
I was thinking that today would just be one of those days where I stayed home and do nothing. Like as if forgetting that I am supposed to be a busy person. Then I got a text message from a classmate whom I've once been very closed to. It won't have been significant had I not been curious as to why someone like her sent me a message where my name is typed followed by a sad face icon. Of course, being me, I sent her a response asking what the sad face icon was all about?
Her answer didn't really surprise me. She was just asking if it was true that I would be shifting to another course. And so I did tell her the truth. That I would really be leaving MassComm. I don' really like it when people would fuss over my life and the decisions I make but I just felt the need to tell her something. And despite myself, as I re-read the replies I've sent her right now, I have somehow gotten the feeling that somewhere inside me resides a girl who is strong enough to handle whatever this is that she's going through. A girl who, despite being lost, would still manage to find herself again.
Somehow, I am wishing that I could also tell myself the same things that I tell those people who try to tell me how great I am and that I should be staying right in this place where I've been trying to belong to for so long. But then, if I could tell some people that I am okay and that everything else is happening for a reason and make them believe in it, I just know for a fact that I cannot because in many ways, I also don't know if there is still a reason left for those people who look up to me to believe in me the way they do.
At some point in life, we really just have to take a turn and go the other way.
That's what I told her, I am not really sure if that girl texted me because she was really sad after hearing that I'll be shifting to another course or perhaps she only wanted to find out if what she heard is true.
Whatever is her reason, there's just one thing that I have somehow learned in our conversation. Maybe I could get through this. Maybe despite me being so weak right now, I'd soon be able to come out of this.
So to that friend, THANKS! :]
(This is a delayed post)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Extinguished
I am an extinguished fire.
I have always been the type whom people would assume to be someone strong and capable. For so long, I thought of myself that way too. I thought that every difficulty that people go through is just like a hump on the road or an obstacle in a racing field, just give it some time and you'll get through it. But with the way things go for me right now, it's like as if all those dreams that I've spent so much time and energy dreaming about are nothing but faded memories of a dreamer who's finally awake and aware that some things are just too far from becoming possible.
I've always been positive, no matter what situation I get myself into, I've always managed to come out of it stronger and better than ever. But this, whatever this is, is totally different. At times I'm hoping it's just a phase, but most of the time, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and even if this is just a phase, I feel like it's a phase I will never be able to surpass.
They say the world is like a spinning wheel and that whether you are at the bottom or the top, you won't be there forever. I however, feel like I am down and that I am bound to stay here forever. Unmoving, frozen at the bottom.
An extinguished fire, yes that would be me.
I used to withstand the powerful winds of life, I used to manage to keep the fire burning. This time, albeit, I have been put out and I don't think I'd ever be able to rekindle the fire that had once fueled me to go on despite the winds of life that's been dragging me back.
I have always been the type whom people would assume to be someone strong and capable. For so long, I thought of myself that way too. I thought that every difficulty that people go through is just like a hump on the road or an obstacle in a racing field, just give it some time and you'll get through it. But with the way things go for me right now, it's like as if all those dreams that I've spent so much time and energy dreaming about are nothing but faded memories of a dreamer who's finally awake and aware that some things are just too far from becoming possible.
I've always been positive, no matter what situation I get myself into, I've always managed to come out of it stronger and better than ever. But this, whatever this is, is totally different. At times I'm hoping it's just a phase, but most of the time, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and even if this is just a phase, I feel like it's a phase I will never be able to surpass.
They say the world is like a spinning wheel and that whether you are at the bottom or the top, you won't be there forever. I however, feel like I am down and that I am bound to stay here forever. Unmoving, frozen at the bottom.
An extinguished fire, yes that would be me.
I used to withstand the powerful winds of life, I used to manage to keep the fire burning. This time, albeit, I have been put out and I don't think I'd ever be able to rekindle the fire that had once fueled me to go on despite the winds of life that's been dragging me back.
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