Lawyering

I guess if there is one thing I really hate about my brain, it's that although it is not patient enough to actually read the codals and the boring parts of the constitution for hours a day, it is still the mind of a would-be lawyer. Give me an argument and for some reasons, even if it's unnecessary, I would argue both sides of whatever.

And that's tiring.

There are just some things in life that we have to feel, and not just think. We base decisions based on the pros and the cons but really, what do feel? We can't discount our emotions? They say that if you remain emotionally detach from a lot of things, you get hurt less. But that's just so wrong. At the end of the day, what we feel matters.

---

State of the Heart @ 5:10am

Lightning strikes
Dawn breaks
Storm brews

But inside me

Devastation has already taken place.

FREE WRITING 101

The truth is I don't know anymore. And I'm not even thinking hard enough to actually be sure. I'm just tired. Really tired. I'm currently in the living room, wearing nothing but my purple silk robe. I just came from NGC, or as our idiot of a mayor calls it, the People's House. I jogged, for a good 15 minutes. I walked my way there and then walked my way home too. The road was unusually brighter, they've built another lamppost, kudos to the idiotic mayor.

My thoughts are kinda scattered. My emotions are, too. Most of the time I am relaxed, at peace, but there are instances when I feel like going crazy-----

---so I stood up and went out into the balcony, it's so humid these days. Everywhere around the house feels like an oven toaster.

Now I'm out, and our dogs are annoying me. I tried so hard not to care for these creatures since my favorite Porthos and Athos died. I wanted to have them thrown somewhere far actually, because they keep multiplying, and nobody in this house is really taking care of them. Since lolo died, nobody gives them a bath anymore. And I have this feeling that if I care too much for them, one of them is going to die on me again. So I'd rather not.

It's not too cool, the breeze I mean. But it's a lot better out here than anywhere inside. I can hear Gerald Anderson's voice from where I am. Lola's in her room now, she's probably tired. I'm just trying to kill time.

I feel empty, it's been over a month since I left Arvin. I've been trying to prove my strength since. Been fluttering around, testing my strength and ridding myself of my loser genes. I've probably mutated by now. I feel alright, not too broken, but not complete either.

I get by each day, I'm mastering the art of getting by, as a matter of fact. There are nights when my thoughts are so hazy I get angry, but there are also mornings when things are just so clear you feel like you wanna do everything you should do all at once. I thank the heavens for every bit of clarity.

My hair is still wet. It's been two hours since I took a shower but I tied my hair so, it's no surprise it's still wet till now.

The back of my neck hurts when I bow my head, I fear it might be caused by my cholesterol level. I should have my blood pressure checked.

Speaking of health, I got a call from the company I'm working for, they told me that my medical results are out and I have to go the clinic, I feel there's something wrong with my health. I'm guessing I'm anemic or acidic, or just plainly neurotic, haha.

Not exactly a good joke, not even a joke at all.

Wow. I'm amazed, this is totally free writing, but somehow, my brain managed to not write the one thing that really bothers me. Haha. Really amazing.

I should stop. I should turn off the TV, drink another glass of water, have another shower, work on the last few pages of my friend's book and then hit the sack earlier than usual.

I got through another day, I know I'll make it through another night.

I'm tough like that. And I have a big day tomorrow. I should go.

Our stars can never align

Like grains of sand falling from my palm
or stars vacating the evening sky one by one
we'll be losing it all till we've lost it all

So I stand upon the precipice
searching for clues I might have missed
I see nothing but tattered hearts 
and many many twisted memories

And I came this far only to find
that all these time I've been so foolish, so hopeful
and so blind

I wasted breaths believing, waiting, wishing for a sign
when I should have known from the beginning....

....That our stars can never align

ALL OF ME

Come to me as everything that you are, and nothing that you're not. Let me know you, the real you. Take down all those walls, and let me inside. 

The day I knew I'm losing her

Hers were the arms that held me
When I cry over a trifle
Or when I trip and hurt myself
She'd always been there
Nurturing, guiding, and always
Just loving

Hers were the eyes that
Saw through my flaws and lies
And the reason for each of my sighs

Hers were the heart that taught me
About courage and strength of will
To face every difficulty

Hers were the arms that held me
The eyes that saw through me
And the heart that taught me

Hers are the arms that
are now too frail
The eyes that are now too blurry
and hers are the heart that now falters

Life made a joke of her
and I watch
as she succumbs to the horrid fate of those

Who grow old.

The End of Missing Someone (My own version)

She was talking to a newbie when she saw him. It was easy to spot him. You just have to look for the the sun among the crowd of gloomy faces. And it wasn't even crowded. For a few seconds, her heart stopped, for reasons she still can't accept.

What she was telling the girl was important but, she had to finish talking to her so she got to her point as fast as she could. And when she's done talking to the girl, she smiled and threw herself at him. If it wasn't for the people inside the office, if it wasn't for people around them, she would have hugged him a bit longer. She pulled away and looked at his face, he looked different from the last time he saw him, he looked just like he did in High School. Which is strange because the night before, she had a dream that it was first day of High School once again. 

She talked to him a bit and asked him to come sit inside her office for she had to take care of a few things before they could leave, he refused so she didn't insist.

On the cab on the way to the prison, she tried to focus, she had work to do. And she also remembered that it was a friend she's with. Not some prince charming from some fairy tale book. She knows what she felt was illegal, according to her own unwritten constitution. But could she blame the guy, who probably doesn't even have a clue on the effect he has on her?

She was already on 'work mode' upon their arrival at the prison. Nerves, calm. Expression, blank. Tone, polite and business like. She went to work, she didn't think of him, even when she saw him walk past her with their office's camera in his hands. She completely ignored his presence, it was as if he wasn't even there at all. That was the only way she could do her job well.

An hour and a half later, they both emerged from the prison gates. She wanted to say goodbye to him already, scared that if she'd be around him a little longer, she might never be able to escape from his gravity.

She'd been wanting to see him, just to make sure that the person she'd been constantly sharing stories of her days with was real. And he was real. 

He gazes at her with those enchanting brown eyes and she looks away. Terrified by the idea that she might get lost in them. Yet she'd always been lost, and it was only when his eyes caught hers that, for the first time in a long time, she felt certain of where she'd wanna go. She was certain, for half a second. 

She'd always been comfortable with silence but for some reasons, she kept talking. She made an effort to keep their discussions as animated as possible, jumping from one topic to another. She really did want to know how he is, and she throws him serious questions every once in a while but she rarely allowed their conversations to go too deep. 

He looked so gentle under the gold light in the cafe. She smiled every time she makes him laugh, she likes seeing him happy. In fact, she wished for it, still wishes for it.

She stares at him as he talks, memorizing every detail of his face. She takes mental shots of him whenever she sees a really nice angle. She knows she has to, because that day was the end of her missing him. But on the next day, she'll start missing him again. 

Nominated as the biggest loser in town. CHAR.

I can't sleep.

I don't why I can't sleep.

I'm looking at this document which states that I was nominated for both Philippine Information Agency's annual IWAG awards and my own University's annual Corps d' elite.

I can't help but smile when I first found out. I've been through hell in the last three months. I've had a series of losses. I still believe in myself, of course, I still know what I can do. Somehow, I just lost the strength to actually do them. But Daddy Lord has amazing ways of lifting you up when you're feeling down.

I can't say I've been wishing for them but, I'm just overwhelmed somehow. I've been in the Student Publication in the last five years and I always thought that no one knows, no one notices, and I really don't care. Then this nomination came up.

I haven't told anyone yet. I don't know why, I just know that it's not something I could take pride with. I've always known what I am and I never accept a compliment I know I don't deserve. I like myself that way. I guess it's true, what Dodinsky once said, "Knowing who you are is the best defense against who they think you are".

Yes, I haven't told anyone yet, but a good friend did. Which is funny. I don't really need the whole world to know, coz I don't need the whole world to find out about two months from now that I didn't bring home the award after all.

Haha.

A guy like this

So I was scrolling down my news feeds, searching for just anything that could spark inspiration and make me finally finish my article but, nada, nothing inspiring at all. 

But this, well, I saw this, and somehow, I felt like these words actually came from me. This really sounds like me. Hahaha. 

Gary's song

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, finally content with the past I regret..."


There goes the first few lines of the song of my life. It was sang by my favorite Country Rock band, Rascal Flatts. I first heard that song during my sophomore year in College. And, I've decided since then that it will be the song of my life, until I could find a new one that is more fitting, that is.

I played the song as I walked through the path along the chapel, I hummed the song as I walked. And then I noticed, I was walking too fast. Normally, I take my time when I walk. Even if I know I'm late for class. Which is weird, coz I don't like being late nor being made to wait at all. I think walking is an avenue for musing and amusement, at the same time. So when I noticed my pace, I slowed down. I tried to sit on one of the benches in Handumanan Park and observe my surroundings.

"I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long, I'm moving on..."

Gary Levox's voice suddenly infiltrated my senses. Every word of the song is like a sword that goes through my ear, reaches my heart and pierces it. And, for a while, I just sat there. I had no choice but to listen, in the hope that there'd be redemption in the last stanza. I know the song almost by heart, but, I stayed anyway. I just had to hear it again.

I felt hot tears building up in the corners of my eyes, I looked up to stop them from falling down. And I was victorious, not a single tear fell. But I had to process my emotions for a while.

I was tired, yes. I lacked sleep, yes. I'm anxious, yes. I really wanted to rest, yes. But I couldn't stop, BIG YES.

And that was it. As soon as I have recognized the emotion, I then attempted to deal with it.

I was like, 'Go home'.

'I have a meeting'

'You cracked last night, you might crack again.'

'I may have, but it was light that I've let in'

'You just have to let some things go'

'I've already let go of a lot of things'

'Then what makes this so hard'

'Because it's out of principle, that I keep going'

'You're not gonna make it out of this'

'You know me, I never give up'.


-My thoughts went blank, my alter ego must have given up.-


"And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.."


I listened to Gary sing the last few lines. I started to walk again, slowly this time, noticing a kid being fed by her -I'm guessing- granma in the gazebos, the old janitor I made friends with years back sweeping fallen leaves near the chapel, the gloomy sky above, and how tall the centennial tree has gotten in the last few months.

And I was amazed all of a sudden because just a while back, I didn't even notice them. Good thing I slowed down, I thought. But then Gary just said he's moving on, so I remembered about the meeting I'm supposed to be presiding.

"I'm moving on"...

Gary kept singing. So I walked on.

Making room

I had to go out around eight o'clock tonight to get to SaveMore. I just remembered that I woke up at almost six this evening, which means that I might be up again until dawn, that's not exactly ideal for I already have classes tomorrow. I'd be needing my strength, the kind of strength one could only get from rest. I didn't anymore change, my cousin had to nudge me a couple of times just to tell me people are staring at me.

I didn't realize I was wearing my pyjamas. Heck! But I tried not to care, after all, I was on a mission to buy my Magnolia Fresh milk, I guess it's the only milk strong enough to send me to sleep these days. I was thinking I should just take a few more shots of tequila but I don't think it's a good idea. I can't be irresponsible anymore. Besides, I guess it doesn't taste that nice anymore, well, don't get me wrong, I never liked the taste, I just like the fact that I get sleepy whenever I drink.

So, yeah, went to SaveMore and bought my milk. I had a glass and a half. I've been yawning for the last couple of minutes but, I don't seem to be dozing off, which is annoying, really.

My bed feels so nice to my skin right now, with new sheets and pillow cases. I've been up all night last night just cleaning and wiping and dusting and, yeah, sneezing, too. My cousin did say she's gonna help but, I don't know, I let her sleep after a while. I guess I really work better when I'm alone. But then again, I also spent more time sitting around and reminiscing and, just catching my breath.

I had a hard time deciding whether the files I've stashed on that wooden table in my room are no longer important to my daily affairs. And for some reasons, I had to think twice if I should do away with all those birthday cards my High School bestfriends had made for me years back. Somehow, I had to remember why I kept them there in the first place. I mean, they're fire hazards, and they acquire more dust than my bedroom floor but I must have kept them so I wouldn't forget that a lot of people love me. There were also some photos of me and my friends, a picture of my High School Crush which I stole from a bulletin board, and some certificates which I kept so I'd be reminded of my days of glory.

I must have kept them there because I probably knew that at some point, I might need to see them again. And I did see them last night, and I did remember what they meant to me. But then, I wanted to clean my room, I wanted more space to breathe in, and I wanted them to vacate the place which they've held for a time. So, after moments of reminiscing, I took them into the huge box that I've prepared. As much as I love what I remember when I see them, they're just not part of my present. They're no longer of any use to me, they're just there for reminiscing purposes.

And it's alright to reminisce, but I also have to move forward. I also need to live the life I have right now.

When I've already moved the box into the room next to the bathroom, I dived into the bare foam on my bed and curved into a ball. In the middle of the night, I hugged myself, for reasons that are not apparent to me. I just did, because probably, my arms felt the need to warm me. And it was at that moment, that I was lying there on my bed, curved into a ball, that I realized.... I have just made room for some new things, not only in my room, but also in my life.

Morning thinking

So I was just lying on my bed after a six-hour shift tonight and realized that I already am 21. And this year, I'd be turning 22, which means that in six or eight years time, I'm gonna have to get married (I've moved my marrying age from 28 to 30 by the way).

I suddenly realized how fast one's life can be. It feels like yesterday, I was just 12, I was just sitting there on my chair in my classroom back in Shiloh, and it seemed at that time that the greatest disappoint of my life was not graduating as the class valedictorian. And it feels like, weeks back, I just turned 18. But No. I'm neither 12 nor 18. I'm 21 going 22. And I'm not gonna stop aging unless I stop breathing, which I don't intend to do anytime soon, not if I can help it.

So, being my normal self, I really just had to think about it, hard. Went through my life's bowl of memories and came up with a conclusion that, we all go through a period of rebellion.

Others tried to smoke, drink, or do drugs. But me? I got angry, I just got angry. That was my form of rebellion. And like all sorts of rebellion, anger also took its toll on me. But looking back, I'm glad that I'm over the so-called 'stormy' age. Of course, I haven't been totally rid of anger, but, it's now very well contained.

I am not very sure if I would wanna change anything about what I've been through, though. Every experience is like a colored thread that constitutes the tapestry of my life. They all made me become what I am right now. And if I like myself, and by the way I'm learning to, I wouldn't dare wish to alter any of those experiences.

Dear Self

Dear Self,


You are starting to get hurt.

Your attempt to ignore it for the last 12 hours has been futile. I guess you're into it deeper than I thought. It is not something you can get away from anymore. But how you should face it, how you should deal with it, I don't know either.

This pain that seems to circle the corners of your beating heart is the same pain that sent you to sleep last night. It's powerful, and unyielding, and if you let it, it can take over your entire system. You can't let that happen. Surely, a heartbreak can ruin your life, if you just let it.

And there goes the question, why is your heart breaking? Why?

Would it be because, whenever you talk to him, you feel like you're talking to yourself, and somehow you feel like the idea of soulmates finally makes sense? Would it be because of Rascal Flatts' 'I won't let go' that you keep playing whenever you feel down and alone, because each time you hear it, it feels like he's the one singing it to you, and then you feel better? Because you believe deep down, that he meant every word of it?

This is frustrating, and maddening, at the same time. Believe me, I know.

It is hard to love one man, and be in love with another.

So, go on, let 'em tears fall. Who knows, they might clear your vision, and then you'll see the answer to all your questions.

Family reunions and cluttered emotions

We had our annual family reunion last night.

Every holidays season, one of the things I always look forward to is that one night, that one meal that I get to share with the people I share the same lineage with.

I remember years back, my cousins and I were just a bunch of goofballs who'd always run around, breaking things in the process and causing our aunts and grandmothers to go ballistic which would often lead to an unplanned inventory of paintings, porcelain jars, and, well, candle sticks. Haha.

But seriously, I love reunions. I love being surrounded by aunts and uncles who'd always make me feel like a five year old when they're talking to me. I'm 21 years old, I'm an editor in the school publication, I hold authority somewhere, but whenever they speak to me, I feel like a kid, I'm not sure why, though.

This is the first family reunion that lolo's not with us. It sort of felt sad but no one dared mention him, I don't want to think everyone has forgotten about him but, maybe, everyone's trying to evade the sadness, too. It's gonna be New year, after all.

So there were lots of food, each family brought something to share to everyone else. It was quite a dinner. With the combined powers of my tita Emee, tita Madeline, and the family's caterer and chef, highly meticulous tita Marichu, we had such superb dinner, really. Too bad I was busy taking paparazzi shots of everyone I forgot to really savor my dinner.

Anyway, the oldies ended up enjoying two bottles of wine and a case of beer, all to themselves. Just when they were having a great time kissing the cold lips of San Mig Lights' bottles, us youngsters, retreated to my cousin Micah's room.

My genius of a cousin, Luke, introduced this game, I forgot what he called it, and we had fun. Haha. Imagine, the app would provide a name and you just have to guess if it's a gay bar or a steak house.

But then, we had our photo shoots, and each family had to pose for a couple of shots. And that's where I felt lost. Truth is, I suddenly felt like running away, scared that they might also wonder who I should pose with. I mean, shouldn't a family be composed of a mom, a dad, and children? But, because I was feeling sick, I stayed rooted on the floor where I stood. Just wishing they won't notice my change of mood. And then I realized that the only way to evade that thing I dreaded was if I take the camera and do the shots. And that's what I did. Of course, the plan's a huge success, not one of them noticed. But in my heart, the question stayed written, like words carved on stone.

But I kept going, reluctant to let negative vibes take over the night. I tried to enjoy the family shots, I thought, that in group shots, it won't be too obvious that I was the only one among us cousins who didn't have a parent there. And so, I went home cool, as ever. Or at least I'd like to think so. Below are some shots taken during the reunion.

I plan to have some of them printed, because, my ancestors are really not growing any younger, and I just want them to be part of who I am, for as long as they possibly can.

This is not all of us, just yet, some cousins were not around. 

With our lola Lilia and my first cousins Tine Tine, Stephanie, and  Cyril. 

With our grooviest lola Mel.

My favorite male cousin Luke, Lola, and Me. :)

I wonder

I wonder.

I wonder how it'd feel like, to sit with you and listen as you tell me how bad your day went. I wonder, how it'd feel like, to hug you when you're feeling blue or hold your hand when you're nervous about something.

Really, I wonder.

I wonder how it'd be, if there was you.... and me.

Your Subtle Goodbye

I wasn't even so sure yet
of WHAT it is or was
and then there you were
shooting me riddles that
made me keep saying WHY
again and again.

I wasn't even so sure yet
of what it is or was and why
and there you were already
saying GOODBYE.

Di mabatunan na post on FB

I remember you once told me, you wish for me to someday see the world with you. You probably said it just for the heck of it but, I wish you knew, that at every moment I've spent with you, I've seen the world in a better view.

TTD

Things to do:

1.) Get a degree
2.) Touch lives
3.) Find at least one friend who'd die for you and whom you'd also die for
4.) Fall in love and stay in love till the next 50 years
5.) Acquire courage
6.) Create a ripple of change
7.) Teach what you've learned
8.) Die happy

I know

I know. And I wish you also knew, that I am in love with you.

To Lolo

Good afternoon. Hi, everybody.

Like most of you, I’m also in a hurry to get this over and done with. I’d very much like to eat, yeah.

But before we’re done, I’d like to share something about this man we’re going to say our painful goodbyes to.

For one, he’s my grandfather. Yes.

To say that lolo was a great man is an understatement.

For someone who had to work his way through a lot of things, he was more than great.

But I guess it would be worthless to talk to you about his struggles in life, after all, most of them he went through when I wasn’t even born yet.

So I guess I’ll tell you, how I’ve known him as husband to my lola, and as my grandfather.

I know for a fact that we live in an era where infidelity is considered as ‘normal’, in a world where selfish home wreckers walk freely and no one dare throw stones at them. In a world like that, in an era like this, lolo did stand out.

He was a perfect example of a faithful husband, and a really good provider. Had he lived five more days, we could have celebrated his and lola’s 50^th golden anniversary. But unfortunately, he passed on.

I don’t know if this would interest you but, he was actually the one who brought my mom to the hospital on the eve of my birthday, mama even told me once that he stood as 'father' when I was born. He’s done so much for my mom, and for me. But I never really got to thank him. So in behalf of my mother, I’d like to say, ‘Thanks, Lo.’

In the last five years of my life, I’ve seen lolo as someone who’s tough and stern. To me, he was the epitome of a ‘father’, which was a good thing because I didn’t grow up with one.

He’s not exactly the loving kind, but I know he did love us all.

About a month before he died, I was frequenting my groupmate’s house near La Salle, we were working on our thesis there. And one night, I had to go out of the house around midnight. He and lola were already in their room, and though, I could have easily just gotten out of the house and wait for a taxi there alone, I decided to wake lolo and asked him to accompany me outside, I told him I was scared.

The truth is, I was expecting a no. I was expecting lolo to get angry at me instead, especially that it was really late. But what he did surprised me, in a good way. Instead of the expected scolding, he picked up his shorts, wore his hat, took his flashlight out and went out with me into the streets.

It took about 15 minutes before an empty taxi finally passed us by. Within that 15 minutes, I tried to talk to him. I told him why me and my group mates had to work at night, I told him that I was really tired, and that, if I’d have it my way, I won’t go either. He just stood there, listening, but with the movement of the crease on his forehead and with the look on his face, I knew he was interested in what I was saying. I felt the desire to talk to him some more, I felt the desire to tell him what wonderful plans I have for him and lola. But, I don’t know why I didn’t. When the taxi finally came, I said goodbye to him, I told him I’ll be back in the morning. I could have kissed and hugged him but, I knew it would surprise him; I don’t do that very often. So as I hopped inside the cab, I watched lolo walk back to the house. And silently, I thanked God I still had lolo. In a way, I felt safe, protected.

A few years back, I tried working in a call center while I was in my freshman year in college. I lasted for about five months. And every night, on my way to work, lolo would walk me to where the tricycles were and one time, a car passed us by and yelled nasty stuff at us, just for the heck of it. I’d usually let those things pass but, Lolo, who was more than 70 years old at that time, yelled back and scolded the young men. That night, I realized that no matter what happens, lolo would never let anyone treat us badly, at least not without retaliation.

It’s funny that I remember all these things now.

You see, when he died, among the first few things that I asked myself was if he loved  and cared for me, still, because there was a time in my life when lolo and I really got on different sides. I guess he hated it when I got so so so so angry at the world.

I never really got why he couldn’t understand my anger, but now I know why.

I was fluent in Anger, Lolo was fluent in love, and that’s why, for a while, we really didn’t understand each other.

In his last few weeks, I remember him asking me if I already had dinner every time I’d arrive home at night. I did appreciate it, especially coming from lolo.

Somehow, I’ve realized that maybe I shouldn’t be asking as to whether he loved and cared for me still, perhaps I should be asking if he even knew I love him, too.

Because I really do.

I remember one time, lolo was looking for the map which I used in my social science class in high school, I asked him why he’s looking for it, and his answer reverberated in my thoughts for quite some time. He said that he wants to study it, because even when he’s already old, he still wants to learn new things.

I fell silent at that time, but had I known then what I know now, I would have asked him to learn how to survive cardiac arrest. That way, he’d still be with us now.

So we lost a leader in the family. But wherever he is, whoever he’s with, just gained another soul who won’t let health complications stop him from living life to the fullest. And wherever Lolo may be, I hope he’s happy.

Indeed, to say that lolo was great is truly an understatement, because more than just a great man, he was a good man.

And though it may take a while before we’ll see each other again, let us all comfort ourselves with the idea that, this isn’t goodbye, but only, so long…