Nominated as the biggest loser in town. CHAR.

I can't sleep.

I don't why I can't sleep.

I'm looking at this document which states that I was nominated for both Philippine Information Agency's annual IWAG awards and my own University's annual Corps d' elite.

I can't help but smile when I first found out. I've been through hell in the last three months. I've had a series of losses. I still believe in myself, of course, I still know what I can do. Somehow, I just lost the strength to actually do them. But Daddy Lord has amazing ways of lifting you up when you're feeling down.

I can't say I've been wishing for them but, I'm just overwhelmed somehow. I've been in the Student Publication in the last five years and I always thought that no one knows, no one notices, and I really don't care. Then this nomination came up.

I haven't told anyone yet. I don't know why, I just know that it's not something I could take pride with. I've always known what I am and I never accept a compliment I know I don't deserve. I like myself that way. I guess it's true, what Dodinsky once said, "Knowing who you are is the best defense against who they think you are".

Yes, I haven't told anyone yet, but a good friend did. Which is funny. I don't really need the whole world to know, coz I don't need the whole world to find out about two months from now that I didn't bring home the award after all.

Haha.

A guy like this

So I was scrolling down my news feeds, searching for just anything that could spark inspiration and make me finally finish my article but, nada, nothing inspiring at all. 

But this, well, I saw this, and somehow, I felt like these words actually came from me. This really sounds like me. Hahaha. 

Gary's song

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, finally content with the past I regret..."


There goes the first few lines of the song of my life. It was sang by my favorite Country Rock band, Rascal Flatts. I first heard that song during my sophomore year in College. And, I've decided since then that it will be the song of my life, until I could find a new one that is more fitting, that is.

I played the song as I walked through the path along the chapel, I hummed the song as I walked. And then I noticed, I was walking too fast. Normally, I take my time when I walk. Even if I know I'm late for class. Which is weird, coz I don't like being late nor being made to wait at all. I think walking is an avenue for musing and amusement, at the same time. So when I noticed my pace, I slowed down. I tried to sit on one of the benches in Handumanan Park and observe my surroundings.

"I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long, I'm moving on..."

Gary Levox's voice suddenly infiltrated my senses. Every word of the song is like a sword that goes through my ear, reaches my heart and pierces it. And, for a while, I just sat there. I had no choice but to listen, in the hope that there'd be redemption in the last stanza. I know the song almost by heart, but, I stayed anyway. I just had to hear it again.

I felt hot tears building up in the corners of my eyes, I looked up to stop them from falling down. And I was victorious, not a single tear fell. But I had to process my emotions for a while.

I was tired, yes. I lacked sleep, yes. I'm anxious, yes. I really wanted to rest, yes. But I couldn't stop, BIG YES.

And that was it. As soon as I have recognized the emotion, I then attempted to deal with it.

I was like, 'Go home'.

'I have a meeting'

'You cracked last night, you might crack again.'

'I may have, but it was light that I've let in'

'You just have to let some things go'

'I've already let go of a lot of things'

'Then what makes this so hard'

'Because it's out of principle, that I keep going'

'You're not gonna make it out of this'

'You know me, I never give up'.


-My thoughts went blank, my alter ego must have given up.-


"And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.."


I listened to Gary sing the last few lines. I started to walk again, slowly this time, noticing a kid being fed by her -I'm guessing- granma in the gazebos, the old janitor I made friends with years back sweeping fallen leaves near the chapel, the gloomy sky above, and how tall the centennial tree has gotten in the last few months.

And I was amazed all of a sudden because just a while back, I didn't even notice them. Good thing I slowed down, I thought. But then Gary just said he's moving on, so I remembered about the meeting I'm supposed to be presiding.

"I'm moving on"...

Gary kept singing. So I walked on.

Making room

I had to go out around eight o'clock tonight to get to SaveMore. I just remembered that I woke up at almost six this evening, which means that I might be up again until dawn, that's not exactly ideal for I already have classes tomorrow. I'd be needing my strength, the kind of strength one could only get from rest. I didn't anymore change, my cousin had to nudge me a couple of times just to tell me people are staring at me.

I didn't realize I was wearing my pyjamas. Heck! But I tried not to care, after all, I was on a mission to buy my Magnolia Fresh milk, I guess it's the only milk strong enough to send me to sleep these days. I was thinking I should just take a few more shots of tequila but I don't think it's a good idea. I can't be irresponsible anymore. Besides, I guess it doesn't taste that nice anymore, well, don't get me wrong, I never liked the taste, I just like the fact that I get sleepy whenever I drink.

So, yeah, went to SaveMore and bought my milk. I had a glass and a half. I've been yawning for the last couple of minutes but, I don't seem to be dozing off, which is annoying, really.

My bed feels so nice to my skin right now, with new sheets and pillow cases. I've been up all night last night just cleaning and wiping and dusting and, yeah, sneezing, too. My cousin did say she's gonna help but, I don't know, I let her sleep after a while. I guess I really work better when I'm alone. But then again, I also spent more time sitting around and reminiscing and, just catching my breath.

I had a hard time deciding whether the files I've stashed on that wooden table in my room are no longer important to my daily affairs. And for some reasons, I had to think twice if I should do away with all those birthday cards my High School bestfriends had made for me years back. Somehow, I had to remember why I kept them there in the first place. I mean, they're fire hazards, and they acquire more dust than my bedroom floor but I must have kept them so I wouldn't forget that a lot of people love me. There were also some photos of me and my friends, a picture of my High School Crush which I stole from a bulletin board, and some certificates which I kept so I'd be reminded of my days of glory.

I must have kept them there because I probably knew that at some point, I might need to see them again. And I did see them last night, and I did remember what they meant to me. But then, I wanted to clean my room, I wanted more space to breathe in, and I wanted them to vacate the place which they've held for a time. So, after moments of reminiscing, I took them into the huge box that I've prepared. As much as I love what I remember when I see them, they're just not part of my present. They're no longer of any use to me, they're just there for reminiscing purposes.

And it's alright to reminisce, but I also have to move forward. I also need to live the life I have right now.

When I've already moved the box into the room next to the bathroom, I dived into the bare foam on my bed and curved into a ball. In the middle of the night, I hugged myself, for reasons that are not apparent to me. I just did, because probably, my arms felt the need to warm me. And it was at that moment, that I was lying there on my bed, curved into a ball, that I realized.... I have just made room for some new things, not only in my room, but also in my life.

Morning thinking

So I was just lying on my bed after a six-hour shift tonight and realized that I already am 21. And this year, I'd be turning 22, which means that in six or eight years time, I'm gonna have to get married (I've moved my marrying age from 28 to 30 by the way).

I suddenly realized how fast one's life can be. It feels like yesterday, I was just 12, I was just sitting there on my chair in my classroom back in Shiloh, and it seemed at that time that the greatest disappoint of my life was not graduating as the class valedictorian. And it feels like, weeks back, I just turned 18. But No. I'm neither 12 nor 18. I'm 21 going 22. And I'm not gonna stop aging unless I stop breathing, which I don't intend to do anytime soon, not if I can help it.

So, being my normal self, I really just had to think about it, hard. Went through my life's bowl of memories and came up with a conclusion that, we all go through a period of rebellion.

Others tried to smoke, drink, or do drugs. But me? I got angry, I just got angry. That was my form of rebellion. And like all sorts of rebellion, anger also took its toll on me. But looking back, I'm glad that I'm over the so-called 'stormy' age. Of course, I haven't been totally rid of anger, but, it's now very well contained.

I am not very sure if I would wanna change anything about what I've been through, though. Every experience is like a colored thread that constitutes the tapestry of my life. They all made me become what I am right now. And if I like myself, and by the way I'm learning to, I wouldn't dare wish to alter any of those experiences.

Dear Self

Dear Self,


You are starting to get hurt.

Your attempt to ignore it for the last 12 hours has been futile. I guess you're into it deeper than I thought. It is not something you can get away from anymore. But how you should face it, how you should deal with it, I don't know either.

This pain that seems to circle the corners of your beating heart is the same pain that sent you to sleep last night. It's powerful, and unyielding, and if you let it, it can take over your entire system. You can't let that happen. Surely, a heartbreak can ruin your life, if you just let it.

And there goes the question, why is your heart breaking? Why?

Would it be because, whenever you talk to him, you feel like you're talking to yourself, and somehow you feel like the idea of soulmates finally makes sense? Would it be because of Rascal Flatts' 'I won't let go' that you keep playing whenever you feel down and alone, because each time you hear it, it feels like he's the one singing it to you, and then you feel better? Because you believe deep down, that he meant every word of it?

This is frustrating, and maddening, at the same time. Believe me, I know.

It is hard to love one man, and be in love with another.

So, go on, let 'em tears fall. Who knows, they might clear your vision, and then you'll see the answer to all your questions.

Family reunions and cluttered emotions

We had our annual family reunion last night.

Every holidays season, one of the things I always look forward to is that one night, that one meal that I get to share with the people I share the same lineage with.

I remember years back, my cousins and I were just a bunch of goofballs who'd always run around, breaking things in the process and causing our aunts and grandmothers to go ballistic which would often lead to an unplanned inventory of paintings, porcelain jars, and, well, candle sticks. Haha.

But seriously, I love reunions. I love being surrounded by aunts and uncles who'd always make me feel like a five year old when they're talking to me. I'm 21 years old, I'm an editor in the school publication, I hold authority somewhere, but whenever they speak to me, I feel like a kid, I'm not sure why, though.

This is the first family reunion that lolo's not with us. It sort of felt sad but no one dared mention him, I don't want to think everyone has forgotten about him but, maybe, everyone's trying to evade the sadness, too. It's gonna be New year, after all.

So there were lots of food, each family brought something to share to everyone else. It was quite a dinner. With the combined powers of my tita Emee, tita Madeline, and the family's caterer and chef, highly meticulous tita Marichu, we had such superb dinner, really. Too bad I was busy taking paparazzi shots of everyone I forgot to really savor my dinner.

Anyway, the oldies ended up enjoying two bottles of wine and a case of beer, all to themselves. Just when they were having a great time kissing the cold lips of San Mig Lights' bottles, us youngsters, retreated to my cousin Micah's room.

My genius of a cousin, Luke, introduced this game, I forgot what he called it, and we had fun. Haha. Imagine, the app would provide a name and you just have to guess if it's a gay bar or a steak house.

But then, we had our photo shoots, and each family had to pose for a couple of shots. And that's where I felt lost. Truth is, I suddenly felt like running away, scared that they might also wonder who I should pose with. I mean, shouldn't a family be composed of a mom, a dad, and children? But, because I was feeling sick, I stayed rooted on the floor where I stood. Just wishing they won't notice my change of mood. And then I realized that the only way to evade that thing I dreaded was if I take the camera and do the shots. And that's what I did. Of course, the plan's a huge success, not one of them noticed. But in my heart, the question stayed written, like words carved on stone.

But I kept going, reluctant to let negative vibes take over the night. I tried to enjoy the family shots, I thought, that in group shots, it won't be too obvious that I was the only one among us cousins who didn't have a parent there. And so, I went home cool, as ever. Or at least I'd like to think so. Below are some shots taken during the reunion.

I plan to have some of them printed, because, my ancestors are really not growing any younger, and I just want them to be part of who I am, for as long as they possibly can.

This is not all of us, just yet, some cousins were not around. 

With our lola Lilia and my first cousins Tine Tine, Stephanie, and  Cyril. 

With our grooviest lola Mel.

My favorite male cousin Luke, Lola, and Me. :)